Fellow bloggers, rejoice, for my glorious, gorgeous blond self has survived.
More than survived, in fact – I kicked slimy Dr. Buglizard’s nasty scaly butt! I was like, “Armfreeze!” and then he was like, “Tabletoss!” and then I was like “Nonthreateningly-make-hand-glow-with-icy-mist-stuff!” and then he was all “AAH YOU ARE TOO BEAUTEOUS FOR MY UGLYRRIFIC SELF WITH THE REALLY BAD SKIN YOU WIN GIRL WHO WIELDS WATER AT BELOW ZERO DEGREES CELSIUS NOW LEAVE ME ALONE TO SUFFEEEEEEERRRRRR!!!”
Or that might have been his whiny Latina girlfriend with the really bad mascara. Or… was he carrying the hideous girlfriend off so he could eat her, or had he eaten her already, or…? Gah. I’m not really sure anymore. You ugly people all tend to blend together after a while. It’s like, if you take all the contents of a trash can and empty them out into one stanky disgusting pile, it all starts to congeal into this generic mass of gross brown stuff.
And speaking of trash…
Fun fact: did you know that sticking your trash in the deep-freeze is better and more effective than incinerating it? Here’s why.
#1: Ice is prettier than fire
This should be self-explanatory.
#2: No harmful smoke and fumes
Fire is messy. It pukes out all manner of unhealthy smoke and fumes that clog up the environment and give lung cancer to poor starving babies in Africa.
Whereas ice is pure, shiny, and perfect, only giving off a soft cloud of mist that enhances its natural beauty.
#3: No pesky residue
When you stick something in deep-freeze, sure, it looks like a space-wasting ice sculpture at first. But eventually (sooner if you smash it against the ground), it’ll melt into a nice, eco-friendly puddle of water, which will later evaporate into a cooling mist of water vapor. It doesn’t matter if it’s a rose, or the arm of a nasty bug-person, or the entire body of an irritating-but-sadly-endangered weasel-man – you freeze it, it melts, it evaporates, you’re done. No leftovers, no complications or evidence, no hassle.
On the other hand, remember what I said about fire being messy? Same goes here. When you play with fire, no matter what you do, something gets left behind. Yep, I’m talking about residue. It’s why playing with fire sucks, ladies and gentlemen – you’ve always got this annoying mess to clean up afterwards. It’s the kind of thing that you don’t notice at first, but comes back sixteen years later with its soulful green eyes and irresistible mixture of childlike innocence and teenage angst to bite you in the proverbial butt.
AHEM.
And now, as a final word…
#4: ICE IS FREAKING PRETTIER THAN FIRE
I feel this can’t be stressed enough.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to go take out the trailer trash. With extreme prejudice.
XOXO,
Environmentalist Tracy Strauss