Look! Here I am with my new BFF, Mr. Glasses. We two were meant for each other. We go together like carrots and brain stew.
But we’re having a little trouble in paradise now. Nothing that any other BFF has gone through. You know, betrayal, skull-chopping each others’ daughters, attempted murder, the usual stuff. But today, I ran into my bestest friend in the hall and tried to make up with him!
“Hi Mr. Glasses! Aren’t I awesome? You wanna free strip tease?” I said, spanking myself on my glorious butt. “I’ll give you one, then we can be friends forever again!”
“Stay away from me, Sylar!” he responded, “You turned my Claire Bear against me!”
“Uh, Mr. Glasses,” I said, looking at him, “to me, it looks like your Care Bears love you as much as ever!”
He shook his head, I guess at his stupidity for thinking that his Care Bears didn’t like him, and ran away! I followed him and found him in a closet, crying.
“Oh, God, Claire, I’m so sorry,” he wailed to himself. Oooh, now I get it! His Care Bears must have done something to Claire!
I knew what had to be done to cheer him up. I illusioned myself into the form of Claire, and walked in.
“Um, hi, daddy,” I began. He looked up at me. “I like, forgive you ‘n junk for you sending your Care Bears to kill me. I think we should be happy to each other or something. Oh, and you should probably totally be friends with like Sylar again, because he’s like totally the bestest she-man in the world. Totally.”
He rubbed his eyes. “Sylar? What are you doing?”
“Sylar? No daddy, it’s me, Claire! Can’t you recognize my hot teen body?”
“I know it’s you, Sylar, may have created an illusion for the rest of you, but you didn’t create one for your face!”
“What? Oh yeah,” I responded. “I thought I’d look hotter this way! I’m right, aren’t I? You totally want to do me!”
And with that, Mr. Glasses got up and shot me again and again.
“Stop it, Mr. Glasses, that tickles!” I giggled as a bullet entered my heart.
Mr. Glasses left as I giggled like the Pillsbury Doughboy in a pool of blood on the ground. I regenerated and got up, calling after Mr. Glasses. “That was fun! Again! Again!”
So, I guess Mr. Glasses and I still have a ways to go yet before we’re BFFs again. But we’ll get there! Even if it costs Mr. Glasses his life, we’ll get there!