I was having so much fun, you know. My life was perfect. I found the most gorgeous girl in the world, and even if she was a bit of a robot I knew that we had a destiny together. When we pranked that drunk cheerleader the other day, that was the best night of my life. I felt like Claire and I could truly rule the world. She won the accolades of her cheerleading peers, and I felt like I could do anything. And I did. I thought, ‘hey, I’m this awesome alien, I can do whatever I want.’ I threw eggs at Governor Schwarzenegger, took a dump in Jessica Simpson’s swimming pool, and stole a polar bear cub from the San Diego Zoo. Then I rested up a bit, took a shower, and made waffles for my perfect girlfriend.
My Claire is more heartless than any robot can ever be.
She led me like a cow to the slaughter into the evil clutches of the man in the horn-rimmed glasses. But I’ll get mine, because now I know where to find him.
Mark my words, his time on this earth is coming to an end. And I don’t mean that I’m going to send him off in a UFO. I mean I am going to kill him.