Hee, Hee, I bet you thought I had a releapse with that title. Hee, Hee.
Seriously, I was just sitting around, relaxing and stuff when I decided the time had finally come to talk about what happened after I saved the world. You guys did know that I saved the world…Right… Well, I did. My baby bro went nuclear and I had to fly him into the atmosphere with my super cool flying powers. Yep. I’m a real live super hero. I flew Pete into the sky and then he started worrying about me and stuff, so he pushed me away. The next thing I remembered was waking up with my Mom standing over me. Naturally, I was horrified to see my perfect-in-every-way face looked like a piece of fried bacon, but that knowledge paled to the fact that my baby bro was gone. I felt guilt for, four whole months over that thing.
In my desolation, I decided I would come clean with Heidi. I really spilled my guts about all my super hero powers and saving the world. She acted like she believed me, but the next thing I knew, we were in divorce court. (Well, I mean that figuratively because, naturally, I was still in the hospital with my severe radiation burns.) In retrospect, I think Heidi didn’t buy my story because I told her that I chose to save the world over becoming President. Ahh… She used to know me so well.
(I know, I know, you’re wondering if I fessed up about the illegitimate child thingy…Well, I’ll save that story for another time.)
Yep. Life was pretty abysmal until about two weeks ago. I woke up to find my finely-chiseled face had been restored. The hospital staff called it a miracle, Mumzie was suspicious about how it happened, but all I could think about was finding the closest bar; and that is what I did. I left the hospital, grew a massive chia pet on my face, and became a raging alcoholic. One week after that, I awoke to find my beard gone, my Mother in danger, and Peter alive. Yep. Good times…sort of…Now I’m off to find my Petey and bring him home. I’m prepared for it because coincidently, my hair has grown out like Superman’s and I now look the part.
Boy do I regret what I told Peter all those months ago. “Flying around, how is that gonna help anybody? What am I gonna do when I get there? I don’t have a gun, I don’t have a badge, I don’t know karate. I guess I could put on a costume and fly around and pull cats out of trees.” Yep, I’m pretty much eating those words now.