Over the past week, it has been brought to my attention (via Mr. Muggles) that my inadvertent, insensitive nature could cost me at the polls. After speaking with my campaign manager, it has been determined that a new staff member will be hired. His name is Scott McClellen, and his official title is PRCC, (Public Relations Crap Corrector.) The job of a PRCC entails examining every comment that I make; and if is determined that my comment was offensive he will be responsible for explaining what I really meant say or should have said.
If the name McClellen sounds familiar to you, it may be because he used to work for our current President, Mr. Bush. Mr. McClellen’s first attempt at crap correction for the President followed this statement: “Too many OBGYNs are not able to practice their…uhh…love with women all across this country.” Mr. McClellen immediately went to work and issued a statement explaining what the President really meant to say, which was: “Women are free to practice love with the assurance that it will be possible to find a good OBGYN.” (It was a classic.) Mr. McClellen finally left his position in the White House when the amount of crap he had to correct exceeded 200 public statements a day. Now, Mr. McClellen has agreed to join my staff and will serve me in the same function as he served the President. In a statement made earlier today, Mr. McClellen said, “I do not foresee the same amount of work load, even though my friends think I have jumped from the frying pan into the fire.”
I don’t really know why I mentioned that last part. I’ll have McClellen correct that later today… Anyway, I put Mr. McClellen to work immediately and he has agreed to type out an explanation of my true sentiments to the following statements:
“I was assaulted by the most deplorable Odor. I turned around to see what was causing the smell, and that is when I saw IT…”
What Mr. Petrelli meant to say was: “I was overwhelmed by the most delightful aroma. I turned around to see what was causing the smell, and that is when I was captivated by…”
“It was the biggest rat that I have ever seen.”
What Mr. Petrelli meant to say was: “It was the most beautiful and rare breed of dog that I have ever seen.”
“I noticed it had a collar. I think it is called Mr. Muffins…I couldn’t tell; and I didn’t want to get closer…Humph…A collar…Oh…My…Lord…Do all under-privileged people domesticate their rats?”
What Mr. Petrelli meant to say was: “Help. I am being forced to say this at gun point. If I do not comply, terrorist will kill my family.”