I send greetings to those of you at the Burnt Toast Café. Yesterday, it was pouring rain outside, so I decided to drop into your fine establishment. I left Odessa yesterday morning and I had just made it to your diner when my windshield wipers broke. Remembering how great the waffles were at the café, I decided it was a good place to pass my time. As soon as I entered the café, a waitress swooped down on me waiving a piece of paper at me. I thought, “Great…It’s another over-the-hill woman who wants my number. Why do they always come after me?” …Well, I guess I know why. I am breathtakingly good-looking…When I took the paper from her, I realized she didn’t want my number. It was a bill. I raised my eyebrow, leaned my shoulder in toward her, gave her my best four and three quarter tooth smile, and asked her what the problem was. She immediately went into a tirade about how I stiffed her on the bill the last time I was there. She threatened to call the police if I didn’t settle up immediately, so I did…Sigh…The last thing I needed was more bad publicity. I ended up hiding in a corner for most of the evening, waiting for the rain to stop and trying to shake the creepy feeling I got when I broke into the Bennets’ two-story apartment earlier that day. What an ordeal that was…
I had one of my people track down Meredith and get Claire’s last name and address, not that I was feeling guilty or anything. I am far too manly to experience remorse of any kind. I just wanted to take a look at her home life and make sure they weren’t abusing her. Should the truth ever come out, I want to be able to claim I knew she was in a good home…Anyway, my contact advised me there was a recent fire at the Bennet house and the family was, temporarily, in an apartment downtown. I was able to get into the apartment easily. Someone had left a window upstairs open. I didn’t fly up to the window or anything weird like that. The world doesn’t work like that. I am a perfectly normal person who is bound by the laws of gravity…Humph…What was I saying? Oh, that’s right…I snuck in the window upstairs. I could hear voices downstairs, so I figured it would be easy to snoop around for a few minutes and then leave. I began my search in the master bedroom.
I hadn’t even opened my first drawer yet, when I was assaulted by the most deplorable odor. I turned around to see what was causing the smell, and that is when I saw IT…It was the biggest rat that I have ever seen. I’m talking bigger than the rats in a NY City Taco Bell. 
I considered wrestling it into submission, but I didn’t want to make any noise. I settled for flexing my well-defined, pectorals at it, but that didn’t work so well. Realizing there was nothing else I could do, I began to make my retreat. It was then that I noticed it had a collar. I think it is called Mr. Muffins…I couldn’t tell; and I didn’t want to get closer…Humph…A collar…Oh…My…Lord…Do all under-privileged people domesticate their rats? 
I didn’t waste anymore time. I got out of there as fast as I could fly…I mean run…
My skin is still crawling. Now, here I sit, reflecting on my final humiliation and blogging about it. When the rain finally stopped at the diner, I tried to sneak out past the waitress, Fräulein Hitler. I was still disappointed that I didn’t get my waffles. Boy, yesterday really did suck. As I made my way to the door, Fräulein Hitler came out of the kitchen. In order to avoid another conflict, I tried to win her over one last time. I purposely dropped a napkin, and then took my time bending over to pick it up. When I knew she had received the full shot, 
I deliberately tightened my bum checks…Yep that always makes the chicks hot. I could tell it was working. I could her breathing turn heavy. When I raised back up and turned to give her my sexy goodbye smile, I realized, to my horror, that the waitress had walked off and behind me stood an overweight man whose shirt did not quite cover his beer gut…This time I really did run.
Stay the course,
Nathan Petrelli