Oh, Burnt Toast waffles! Sometimes I feel like you’re my only true friend. And you certainly are a tasty one.
It’s true. I eat when I’m depressed. The teenage version of myself was an obese loser. Once I finally accepted that, I was able to fix it.
The cycle was endless. Kids would pick on me because of my hair, my glasses, my weight and even my Beatles obsession (Apparently, it’s only cool for the popular kids to sing Ob La Di, Ob La Da during recess). After all their hurtful words and actions, I would run home. My mom would make me waffles ala mode. Do I blame her for my terrible childhood? Yes. But luckily, I was able to get through it.
Now, I’m here, eating waffles to relieve the pain, once again. All because of Phillip Martin.
He was the worst of the worst. Once, he put mustard on the playground slide before I slid down. He harassed me from age 7 to age 16, when he suddenly disappeared. Until now.
He was startled when he saw me. So startled in fact, he spilled mustard everywhere. (I’m not sure what he was doing with the mustard.)
This was the man that, in 7th grade alone, gave me 108 wedgies. He constantly teased me about my weight. And of course, he was the star football player. He wasn’t a quarterback, he lacked the youthful charm and gay-looking charisma for that. But he was a fast receiver. Every victory usually had him to thank for it.
And now he’s a fat slob.
ME: Hey, Phillip. Why are you in my mustard?
PHIL: Uh…oh, it’s your mustard? I just came down to the snack room to grab a bite. Making paper works up an appetite.
ME: You work here?
PHIL: Just started today.
ME: Oh, how interesting. So I guess that makes me the boss of you.
PHIL: Yeah, I guess it does.
ME: Well, keep up the good work, fatty.
PHIL: You too.
I was feeling great. My childhood nemesis has become my employee. He is now the overweight loser. And I am his boss. What made it even more wonderful was the fact that he fell so low. For me, I went from the bottom to the top. But he had to feel the sting of failure after a lifetime of success. He now knows what’s it’s like to be made a fool of. I trumphantly walked back to my office. I was indeed feeling great. Until I sat down.