Mission Nine: Leather Headhunting

I knew just the person that I needed to kill to impress Sylar. I’m talking, of course, of the Company’s longtime nemesis, George Clooney. His movies are merely a means of financing a special people collection plant, where he performs sinister experiments turning them into mindless zombies. His mindless zombies then star with him in movies, keeping the vicious cycle going. Primatech has long wanted him out of the picture.

First, though, I had to get transportation. Clooney was currently rescuing baby seals in northern Canada. A true supervillain always keeps up a philanthropic front. I’d have to commandeer a vehicle. Cyclops took his X-Man flying gizmo with him, so that left me with one option. A local homeless man keeps a hot air balloon in a meadow near here. It’s his only possession, and flying it is his reason for living, he told me that last time I tried commandeering it. But this time, I wouldn’t be compassionate to his situation. Sylar was with me, and I had to impress.

Sylar made the guys pants fall down with his telekinesis powers. As he bent down to lift them up, I slammed my gun down on his head. The flame was lit and we began lifting into the air. However, it was only lifting to about 300 feet, so eventually we had to toss the homeless man’s unconscious body overboard. After that, we were well on our way to Canada.

“Unhand those seals!” I shouted at the bewildered celebrity. “Your power of manipulation will soon be mine.”

“Yeah, like, unhand the cute little seals!” Sylar yelled from behind me.

Clooney knew he was outmatched. There was fear in his eyes. But he didn’t give up without a fight.

The veteran actor tossed a seal at us. I dodged and it landed on Sylar, knocking him down. Without his telekinesis, I would have to rely on my gun. I lifted it to shoot at Clooney, but he blocked the bullets with another seal. He tossed two more at me as Sylar began to get up.

“Eat seal!” he yelled.

“I always do,” I grinned. I did not notice the large group of environmental wackos nearby.

“Hey, guys!” George Clooney called to them. “This man eats baby seals for dinner!”

The crowd grumbled as they charged for us. I fired my remaining shots into the group, bringing down two of its members. But the large force continued at us. Luckily, Sylar was back up on his feet and he shot a burst of nuclear energy at the charging horde. They were blasted back as I reloaded my gun. I lifted it up where George Clooney had been, but he was gone.

“Quick! Use your super hearing.”

“Yay!” Sylar replied putting his hand to his ear. He listened intently for a short moment, then said, “he went that a way!”

As we stepped into the forest, I noticed several footprints. “He’s got a small cadre,” I said.

“Ooh, a cadre!”

We followed the trail deep into the woods. After about two hundred yards, I noticed blood on some plants. Then, there was moaning.

A sexy blonde man was stumbling around, bleeding profusely from his nose and stomach. His leg also appeared broken.

“Have you seen George Clooney?” I asked.

“He shot me! That jerk shot me!”

He was hysterical, and near death. I needed to get some information out of him, so I asked him again if he had seen Clooney.

The man regained his composure, somewhat, and said, “Yeah, I saw him. He shot me. All I said was Angelina was sexier than him. When I didn’t take it back, he punched me in the nose. The rest of his crew kicked me, then he shot me in the stomach and left me for dead. I…don’t…have….long….le…ugh!”

“Not yet!” I shook the man. He had information about Clooney’s whereabouts. I needed him alive and talking. “Wake up!” I slapped him.

He came to. “Clooney…is…in a…small bunker…half a…mile….east of here…ugh!”

“Let’s go!” I said to Sylar as I began trekking through the forest.

“Wait! I don’t want his sexy brain to go to waste….give me a minute.”

I gave Sylar and the corpse some privacy while I waited for him to finish his business. Moments later, we arrived at the mysterious bunker.

Mysterious Bunker

I rang the door bell. A voice asked, “Who is it?”

“Umm…it’s the hot guy you left in the woods. I was hoping we could…uh, kiss and make up?”

“Oh, good.” The door opened and Sylar and I ran inside.

George Clooney saw us and said, “You tricked me!” He slammed his palm on a red button and an alarm sounded. His goons were everywhere.

Sylar began Force Chopping heads and I shot as many as I could. Clooney ran down a corridor, so I ran after him, leaving Sylar to fend off the henchmen.

Suddenly, a black man with ninja-like reflexes jumped out at me. He kicked my gun out of my hands. I turned and saw it was Don Cheadle.

“I’m gonna break every bone in your body,” he threatened. He pulled his fist back and I screamed.

“Not in the glasses!” I closed my eyes as I awaited the blow. But it never came. When I opened them, Sylar was feasting on Don Cheadle brains.

“Good job!” I picked up my gun from the ground. “Now, lets get Clooney.”


There was a back exit to the bunker, the door was left wide open. Outside, George Clooney was waiting at the edge of a cliff.

“It’s over,” I hollered at him. “You have nowhere to go.” I lifted my gun on him.

“Not in the head!” Sylar cautioned.

“Relax,” I replied. I smile at Clooney and said, “Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?”

“Nice try, Noah,” he said and leaped off the edge of the cliff.

“Sylar, catch him!” I commanded.

Quickly, my effeminate companion put a Force Hold on the cliff diver.

“Wait, don’t kill me,” he begged.

“Good night, and good luck,” I replied. I nodded at Sylar and he began sawing through Clooney’s Academy Award-winning skull.

The End

  • If I had known we could get academy award winning actors, I would’ve gone after Jessica Tandy.

  • Mmmm, Crappy Batman brains.


  • Hmm, weren’t you suppose to kill Clooney. Your like Professor X, always getting other people to do your dirty work.

  • Anonymous


  • Anonymous

    i love Blake.