Mission Six: Stayin’ Alive

This would be my most difficult mission yet. A party, eh? According to my Claire Bear, getting my groove on isn’t my strong point. But then, she doesn’t know me too well, do she?

“Ha!” Nathan said, slapping me on the back, “A little stiff for a party man, eh Bennet?”

As he was walking off I saw Maya talking to her lamp (who I now realize was there as part of the wait staff). “No, la fiesta es muy divertida, pero el viejo con los horn-rimmed glasses, creo que el no puede bailar. Es muy….stiff, verdad?”

I began to think maybe Claire Bear was right about me. Perhaps adequate groove eludes me. But I was determined to Step Up, too.

So, I called the only semi-friend I have with a degree of groove.

“Look, I’m in a competition. There’s going to be party, but I can’t get my groove on, so I need you to teach me how to let loose and put the lime in the coconut!”

“Who is this?” Matt asked.

“Gah, Parkman! Let me talk to Mohinder.”

A moment, then an foreignish voice, “Greetings, Bennet.”

“Hey, I know you’re still bad about the nose, but to be fair, you klled me. So we’re even. I was hoping you could do me a favor.”

“And precisely what reason could possibly exist to motivate one in my position to engage in an activity beneficial to you?”

“Because it could mean the end of Sylar.”

“Sylar! Well, by golly, of course I will assist.”

I jotted down his notes and advice into 8 Simple Rules for Partying Like My Teenage Daughter:

  1. Avoid confrontation with similarly gendered individuals.
  2. Under no circumstance should you regurgitate into a serving vessel.
  3. Do not hold conversation on theoretical or abstract ideas such as the evolution of theropods into modern birds.
  4. A finger-grip, or pinch, is not an appropriate way of entering into conversation with a female.
  5. Be wary of unattended beverages as they may contain harmful narcotics.
  6. Elevators should be reserved for copulation, not transportation among floors.
  7. The hurling of food stuffs is restricted.
  8. Distance yourself from uninteresting bores, lest you be categorized among them.

Good advice, to be sure. I was set. A quick change into my party clothes and I hit the festivities.

There was West, hovering against the wall like some sort of floating wall flower. An easy transition into the mix, I thought.

“Hello, son.”

“Hello, Mr. Bennet.”

“So, enjoying yourself?”

“Yes, very much.”

“That’s good.”

Oh, no! I began sensing that I found the loser of the group. The conversation was going nowhere. It was sluggish and boring. I had fallen into his anti-social magnetism. Thinking quickly, I said, “Look, a hot cheerleader!” and began to dart away.

“Where are you going?” he asked, not turning around to see the non-existent vixen.

“Why didn’t you turn around to see the non-existent vixen?” I asked.

“Eh, I can find a hot girl anywhere. They’re a dime a dozen.”

“But I think that one’s a robot!”

Worked like a charm. He turned and I was gone.

“Ah, this is some good dip,” I said to Maya as she approached.

“Yes, I came to get some for Alejandro.” She scooped chip-fulls of it into her lamp. “He always appreciated a good dip. I usually licked the spicey goo from his fingers after a long night of fiestaing.”

She began to cry, so I slapped her.

“Thank you,” she responded. “Though I feel I deserve endless slaps for the suffering I have caused.”

It was time to show off my dance skills. I made my way to the center of the room and began to sway from side to side. Everyone stared in amazement.

Cyclops came up to me. “You should try moving your arms,” he suggested.

“Oh, sorry.” I flailed them about. “It’s my first time,” I explained.

“Here, let me.” He took my hand in his and placed his arm around my waist. The rest of the party-goers couldn’t look away. The pairing of such handsomely hip men must have been a truly awesome sight.

Cyclops laid his head on my shoulder. I began to say something, but he shooshed me. “Don’t say anything, Adam. Just feel the moment.”

“Uh, I’m Bennet.”

He jerked away quickly. “Damn this specialized eye-wear. The discotheque lighting must be interfering…”

I decided to give dancing a break. As I perused the room, I ran into Audrey Hansen. Under the lighthearted circumstances she allowed me to call her Audrey.

“Please, call me Mr. Bennet,” I said. “You know, with all the guys drinking around here, you might actually become dateable tonight.”

We had a delightful conversation about shooting people. She seemed unsure of my abilities, so I grabbed a strawberry from the fruit tray and said, “Watch this.”

I tossed the edible fruit into Nathan’s torso. It exploded on impact.

“Not again!” he yelled, and fell to the floor.

“Not bad,” Audrey said. She hurled a coconut at Maya.

*Thunk*

“Yes, Lord,” Maya yelled to the Heavens, “hit me repeatedly with your fury brown orbs.”

“Must be Spanish for balls,” I said.

Audrey laughed. During her laughing, I tried to remember Mohinder’s rules. There was something about butt-pinching. Do it? Or don’t? I did.

“Normally I only let females get away with that sort of thing,” she said, “but what the heck, I’m feeling flexible.”

I told her about how two-legged dinosaurs evolved into present day birds. She seemed impressed. “Wanna go upstairs?” she asked.

I was excited to see what was happening, so I agreed. We hopped on the elevator.

Less than two minutes later we were on the top floor. Adam was hitting on the waitresses. “Excuse me,” i said to Audrey. “I’ve got some paper business to take care of.”

I pulled out a notecard and wrote on it Adam Monroe, Subject #4401. “Hey, there,” I said. Then, I stapled the card onto his jacket. Tagged.

“Hey! What was that for?” he pushed me.

“Oh, no she didn’t!” Audrey called out. I began to think she had too much to drink.

I pushed Adam back.

Then he pushed me.

“Fight!” Audrey shouted and pulled her gun. She aimed at a ceramic bust of Clay Aiken and said, “Break it up!”

I pushed Adam. Audrey fired a bullet into Clay’s clay head. West flew up to us and Nathan lay on the floor crying, “Why me? I’m too sexy to die!”

“Fighting me isn’t a good idea, Bennet. I can heal.”

“So can my daughter, but I still lay her over my knee occasionally.”

I charged at Adam. He charged at me. Then, I began to suffocate. I was choking, falling to the floor. Adam was too.

“Waaaaaaaa!” Somebody was crying. It was obviously Maya.

“What’s….wrong?” I managed to ask.

“Alejandro! He said the dip was bland!” She wailed.

Coughing, I said, “Maya, you must….not…cry!”

“But he is displeased! I am ashamed. The dip I offered was less than ideal. How can I live with myself?”

“Don’t…cry. We…can find…a way to…punish you!”

She sniffed. The tears let up and I got up to my feet. As I walked away, Adam came charging at me. He missed, hit the railing and fell to the bottom floor.

I took the elevator down. “Well, Maya. How about you say 30 Hail Marys and Audrey gives you a good spanking?”

“Okay,” she said.

“Alright, let’s get back to the party!”

  • It certainly was a lovely fiesta wasn’t it? That is, until Sybriel’s bouncers looked at the guest lists and saw I was eliminated. They had to tase me and everything. Then it was glorious!

  • I have to admit that you’re a pretty good marksman with the fruit.

    Notice how mine was bigger, though? 😉

  • I wasn’t REALLY going to disembowel you and throw you into the pool, you know. Though I am going to hold a grudge against you for all of eternity (I really liked that jacket).

  • Maya: I thought you were the help.

  • Fighting? Over me? How romantic!

  • No, no one will hire me because I can never tell them definitively what country I am from. I don’t have a green card to tell me that information.