Mission Eight: Seafood?

After I helped Cyclops sabotage Audrey’s date with Sylar, I realized how pointless our efforts were. She was clearly not making any progress with Sylar. Even without our special food, she wouldn’t have made it to first base.

“What now, Bennet?” Cyclops asked as we left the restaurant. Agent Hansen had been in the restroom for about three hours. “Should I zap her with my eye lasers maybe?”

“Sure, have at it. I’m going to run back to the mansion and devise phase 2 of our sabotage.”

“Ooh, phase 2!” he replied.

The truth was, it was getting late. I needed my beauty sleep. The next day was my date with Sylar and there was much preparation to be done. Fairy tale romances don’t just happen, after all. Somebody has to write them. And this script was killer.

I got to the mansion and called up the players for my plot. We went over the details, they understood completely and I got some sleep. I rested knowing that the date would go smoothly.

After giving my glasses a good cleaning, I found Sylar and walked him outside the mansion to a waiting limo.

“Allow me,” I said getting the door.

Soon we arrived at the beach.

“Close your eyes,” I said to my psychopathic date.

“Ooh, I love surprises!” he giggled.

I helped Sylar out of the limo.

“Open up,” I said staring at the beautiful sight. “There she is.”

“Not bad,” said Sylar.

“Well, it’s no little dingy. I’m not Cyclops, you know.”

The two of us got on board the yacht. The captain, Samuel L. Jackson, greeted us.

“WELCOME TO MY BOAT! THIS IS MY BOAT AND YOU’RE ON IT,” he intoned.

“Ooh, it’s like my very own Love Boat!” Sylar seemed absolutely giddy. “And it doesn’t even stink like fish and stuff!”

“THAT’S BECAUSE I USE FEBREEZE, MAN. FEBREEZE REALLY WORKS. IT JUST DOES, MAN!”

I showed Sylar to the dining quarters.

Samuel L. Jackson was an easy get. He’s always looking for work, never stops. But the true surprise was about to be revealed.

I managed to get the best chef in the world, Gordon Ramsey, to cook for us. After I helped him avoid Primatech, he owed me. The Company has been interested in his culinary ability for years. (And on a side note, he’s the reason I’m such a great chef myself.)

“Good evening,” Chef Ramsey said. “I’ve prepared a delightful meal for you two, yes?”

“Umm…I don’t know,” Sylar answered. “Did you?”

“It’ll just be a few more minutes, yes?”

“Umm…I guess,” Sylar replied.

“Enjoy the appetizer in the meantime, yes?” Ramsey made his way back into the kitchen.

“Like why does he always ask a question?” Sylar whispered to me.

“Oh, it’s something to do with being English,” I replied. “You like kids, yes?”

“Wait…is that really a question then or are you being English?”

“It’s a question.”

“Oh, well, uh…yeah, they’re okay. Why?” Sylar looked uneasy with the subject.

I said to him, “Our waiter this evening is Gordon’s little boy. He’s an aspiring little chef and came to help his dad.”

“Oh, my God! Such a relief,” Sylar responded with a sigh. “I so thought you were gonna tell me you were, like, pregnant or something. I’m like so not ready to be somebody’s mommy.”

This was my chance to drop some smooth moves on Sylar. I looked him in his maniacal eyes, reached out and put my hand on his and said, “We can take our time, go slow. Good things are worth waiting for, right?”

Sylar blushed as he took back his hand. “Mr. Glasses, you are quite the flirt!”

“Well, you bring out my inner-romantic.”

Then Gordon approached with the meals. “Chilean Sea Bass, yes?” He placed a plate in front of Sylar.

Sylar replied, “How should I know? You cooked it!”

Gordon’s son carried my plate and set it on the table.

“Well, everything looks good, yes?” Gordon clasped his hands together as he looked over the meals. “I’ll be in the kitchen, yes? If you need anything, just let little Jack here know, yes?” He patted his son on the head and then went back to the kitchen.

“I’m this many!” Jack said holding out his fingers.

“Inches???” Sylar was stunned. “But you’re just a little boy!”

I quickly spoke up to get past the awkwardness. “Um, say how about you bring us some pepper, Jack.” The little guy ran off.

“Ewww!” Sylar winced. “Cheese is like so fattening.”

“Cheese?” I asked, puzzled.

Jack returned with the pepper and gave it to Sylar.

Then, just as I had planned, some mood lighting kicked in. A blue haze filled the room.

“Ooh! What’s going on?” Sylar asked.

“You’ll see.”

He giggled.

“There’s a calm surrender to the rush of day” a voice sang out. Sylar excitedly glanced around as the voice continued, “When the heat of the rolling world can be turned away.”

The singing continued as we started into our meals. “You know, for a minute there, I thought you had like totally gotten Elton John here! I would have screamed like a little girl!”

“Heh,” I laughed. I never came across Elton John in all my years working in paper. I consider myself lucky for it. Unfortunately, that meant I had to settle for a somewhat lesser vocalist.

Alfonso Ribeiro stepped out into view.. He made his way to our table as he belted out, “Can you feel the love tonight.” Sylar was visibly confused.

“Um…Elton John’s black?”

“It’s Alfonso Ribeiro,” I said.

“Who?” Sylar asked while Alfonso continued singing.

“Carlton from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.”

“Oh!” Sylar exclaimed. “Do the dance! Do the dance!”

Alfonso stopped singing and looked at me. I just nodded. He broke out into his Carlton dance and Sylar began clapping cheerfully.

But the gay merriment was soon ended by a jolting shake of the boat. The table fell over onto Alfonso. I quickly jumped up and went over to Sylar, making sure he was okay.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“Um, no! The boat is like shaking! Do something!”

I ran up to the deck and looked over the side. The sight was terrifying!

No doubt Cyclops was canoodling with his boy-toy Aquaman to disrupt my evening with Sylar. It was a nice try, but no shark could beat me.

“Shark!” I screamed running back to Sylar. The carnivorous fish began tearing up the boat with its massive jaws.

Below deck I found the ships captain, Samuel L. Jackson. He was standing up on chairs screaming. “GET THESE [EXPLETIVE} SNAKES OFF THIS {EXPLETIVE} PLANE!”

“It’s a shark, and this is a boat!” I corrected him.

“DON’T CORRECT ME, BOY! WE HAVE TO WORK TOGETHER IF WE’RE GOING TO GET OUT OF THIS! I WAS ONCE TRAPPED IN THE ALPS WITH SIX OTHER MEN. THE ONLY REASON WE SURVIVED WAS BECAUSE WE WORKED TOGETHER AND STAYED COOL. STAY COOL, NOW! STAY COOL! WE CAN DO THIS! WE WILL DO THIS!”

The shark burst through the side of the ship and ate Samuel L. Jackson in one bite. I quickly darted past it and made my way back above deck.

The yacht was badly damaged, sinking slowly. The shark was still ferociously attacking. It was clear I’d have to save the day. Or let Gordon Ramsey handle it.

I looked at the chef as he came up. “How about it,” I asked, “you want to kill the shark and save the day? Maybe make some fancy dish out of the monster?”

“Um, I need to be going, yes?” He said and flew out with a jetpack.

Unfortunately, I had no jetpack.

Sylar ran up top screaming. “Oh, no! Shark! Shark! We’re like so going to die! I’m too young to die! Save me!”

“What happened to your shirt?” I asked the half-naked girly man.

“Umm…the shark like totally ate it. Yeah, that’s what happened!”

The shark jumped up on the deck, landing with a huge thud. He flopped up and down as he made his way toward us.

“Save me!” Sylar said getting behind me.

“Don’t worry,” I said pulling out my gun, “I’m always packing.”

I emptied my clip into the aquatic beast. Its flopping stopped as it died only a few feet away from me.

While the shark may not have been in the plan, it turned out to be a great opportunity for me. I turned to shirtless Sylar, grasped him in my arms and said, “Don’t worry. You’re safe with me.”

Our romantic embrace was cut short by Samuel L. Jackson cutting his way out of the shark with a purple lightsaber. “THIS IS MY BOAT, FISHY!”

  • I would havew liked to see Jackson and Ramsey get into a swear off with each other. That would have been mother(beep)ing awesome.

  • That guy looks kind of like Ultimate Nick Fury.

  • That was pretty exciting. Didn’t the *cough* great Keanu Reaves once say that relationships that begin under stressful circumstances never last… You may have sealed your own doom.