Well, I was murdered. You heard it right. If you haven’t been reading my blog, then you’re probably clueless.
But don’t worry, I’m somewhat clueless too. I have no idea where I am. I only know that I’ve risen from the dead, and I’m in some kind of tomb. It looks familiar, like a place where I once kept paper, but it could also be some elaborate Jigsaw trap. I recently watched Saw IV, and this is how it always starts. You wake up in a mysterious situation. I haven’t left my bed yet out of fear I may trigger some evil device.
If I am at Primatech, then it’s good news for me. It will help me fulfill my mission of taking down the company. I just have to wait for Bob to come in to say “Hello,” as Bob often does. Then, I can pounce! After that, I just need to finish off Elle. Then, I can deal with Mohinder. Mohinder Suresh shot me in my wonderful glasses. He ruined them! I suspect, though, that he may have also resurrected me. If he thinks giving me life can make up for ruining my favorite pair of glasses, he’s terribly mistaken. I still plan to get my revenge on him.
My message of Hellfire revenge, isn’t the one I came here to deliver. I’ve come to the Burnt Toast Diner to get out a message to my Claire Bear. She no doubt thinks I am dead, and like any grieving teenage daughter, she has probably become a lesbian, gained 50 pounds and is bullying all the elementary kids fortunate enough to have both parents. I can’t let that happen. I need her to know that I am still alive.
Looking back, I see it was a good thing we taught her to read. I was against it from the beginning.
“If she can read, she’ll be harder to control, to manipulate. And her freewill can put us in danger!”
“In danger?” Sandra had replied. “From what?”
“From the evil paper company I work for!”
“Primatech is evil?”
And that’s how I first started using The Haitian on Sandra. Since I was unable to make an effective point against Claire’s literacy without exposing the truth to Sandra, I had no choice but to give in. Claire learned to read.
And now her reading can finally do some good! She can read this blog post.
I’m having difficulty deciding what to order her to do. My own destiny is easy to figure out; as you may have noticed, my life is pretty much a parallel of Jesus and Darth Vader. So, all I need to do is heal a bunch of people and throw my boss down a ventilation shaft.
Unfortunately, all evidence of Jesus’s daughter was destroyed by an evil organization. And so there’s nothing to help guide her in her destiny.
Luckily, though, George Lucas had the non-sexist foresight to include a daughter in his epic double trilogy. Claire clearly needs to become a princess and marry some hotshot, self-obsessed flyboy….if West had some manliness, he might fit that description.
So, Claire, if you’re reading this. I am still alive. Marry West and become a princess.
Uh, oh. I just thought of something. What if West is Luke? They have a similar haircut, and Han Solo was a regular person, but West is an evolved human, which is like a Jedi. So….West is your brother!
Claire, if you’re reading this, stay away from West. I think he’s your brother. Your real father isn’t all that faithful, and seeing how he can fly, I’m sure he has children all over the world. Just a warning. You don’t want to do anything you’ll come to regret.
But you still have to become a princess. And run from Opus Dei…I mean, Primatech.