Seeking Employment

I’v spent a lot of my adult life as a paper salesman. And now, it seems I’ll need to find another job. But paper has always been my calling, my passion. What else could I possibly do?

“Dad! Peter’s going to explode!”

“Not now, Claire Bear,” I replied. “Daddy’s in deep thought.”

I thought back of my previous job experience, before paper came into my life. It didn’t seem like anything to be proud of. When I was 13, I shined shoes for Stevie Wonder. But, eventually I realized he was blind and stopped doing a good job. I didn’t think he’d notice. Of course, I was wrong. Stevie Wonder may be blind, but what he lacks in eyesight, he makes up for with superb hearing. He told me that he could hear the mud on his shoes, and so I was fired.

Then, I got a job in advertising!

It didn’t last long. I had a conflict of interest with the director. “Fries don’t have legs!” I said, attempting to fix this major error in his work.

“Yeah? They don’t have jobs either. Get out of here, kid.”

So, after that, I worked as an executioner’s assistant. My job was to catch the heads so they wouldn’t roll off into the crowds and be taken home as souvenirs. (Then wind up on eBay 20 years later.) But, unfortunately, my ingenuity lost me that job. I had the wonderful idea of putting a basket under them, to catch the heads. I thought it’d make my job easier, but it just made it obsolete.

So, I finally had to settle for fast food employment.

Wow, it’s hard to believe I was once a young man. Seems like I’ve been a father all my life. Speaking of which, “Claire?”


“Calm down. Don’t you want to hear about my trip over here?”

“No! We have to save Peter.”

“That can wait. I’ve got pictures!”

  • You stole my neon purple armadillo suit.

    How dare you, really.

    ~ Lana

  • You know you look pretty hot with those Farah Fawcett bangs…

    I mean not really hot to me…per se…because I’m a manly man, but to other people. You know…

  • Hey, did you know there was a guy on Dynasty who looks alot like you?