Failed!

Since I’ve sold my soul to Linderman, I’ve been given some pretty weird assignments. Well, skipping over all the small talk about what’s going on in the Sanders-Hawkins residence, including the pretty interesting fights we’ve had ( It’s hard to rip flesh when a man can phase through your death grip) and problem with Micah’s recent discovery of Skinnimax, I failed at my latest assignment.

I know what you’re thinking. How can someone as skilled as I fail? Well, it happens to the best of us. This one seemed simple enough. Linderman wanted some old broad dead. How tough could the old hag be?

By the time I road my NBC* cycle to the house it was 7 pm. The only programming on for old people past 6 is PBS, and most old people fall asleep to the soothing whispers of Bob Ross. This hag seemed to fit my stereotype. I snuck through the front door, which was conveniently enough left unlocked, silently.

“Stupid hag” I had thought as stepped in. The old woman was sitting in a rocking chain in her parlor, a fire crackling in the fireplace. A flesh bag of meat and whiskers snug on her lap. A cat lady! She reminded me of my own arch nemesis, and I couldn’t wait to tear her apart. I moved forward steadily, and then did a swift series of duck and rolls across the room until I was close. I was sure I wasn’t heard.

Bob Ross was painting some kind of mountain or something on the television; his soft voice would be the last thing she heard! Or so I though. Unfortunately the old women had an ability Linderman’s goon forgot to mention. Her eyes shot opened and before I could react, her mouth opened up into a toothless O shape. She let out an ear piercing screech.

As I lay on the ground in agony she limped over to her walker and made her grand escape. She thought she had the final laugh, but she forgot to take her dirty feline with her. I sat in her rocker and watched Bob Ross finish his clear blue sky, wondering how I was going to tell Linderman’s goon I was bested by a wrinkly feline lover. Oh well, at least I got to roast the kitty.

*Ninja Bicycle Company