Hello, fellow Evernowers and gamers of the world! I am quite excited to tell you of my latest adventure! 😎
It is sure that you will all be rather jealous of the great Ren, Master of the Everthrone and Conquerer of the Rivnoraki. 😇😄😄😄😄😁😈😐😆 But do not fear in my presence, for I come to you with great news and a message of unity. 🎄
Mere hours ago, I was in my homeland of Japan where I met the most extraordinary girl, a girl you will all recognize as 偉大な剣, Katana Girl! 😲😲😱😲😲😲 It is true! She is real and she is with me now.
We have flown across the globe ✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈ to arrive here in America!!!! 🍟 ヾ(＠°▽°＠)ﾉ
“It is okay,” I told the wonderful Miko Otomo, Katana Girl herself! 😋😋😋 “I will protect you.”
The large American behind the counter looked us both over. He asked, “Business or pleasure?” as he took from me my identification papers. 💳💳💭 Shout out to HyperNads43 for the dope fakes. They worked magic on American customs guard and he stamped them without issue! ヽ(*⌒∇⌒*)ﾉ
“My business is my pleasure,” I said like a very cool James Dean type. I gave gentle Miko a wink. She smiled and frowned, and looked around puzzled and poked a small Iranian boy in line behind us before licking a pen chained to the customs counter. So quirky! ⌒°(ᴖ◡ᴖ)°⌒
With that we were inside the great country of USA! Home of the New York Yankees, Inventor of John Wayne and Carrier of Diabetes! 🍩
And now we have our greatest adventure ahead of us, and we need your help. 🍧🍱🍱🍰 Many thanks to everyone who responded and shared my original plea on social media to dress up as Evernow freaks and show up at an unsuspecting corporate headquarters! Yatta! 🍢💸
So now I will inform you of my great plan, and the 👙💻👣 vital mission that awaits us. This company has taken prisoner our great prophet and creator of Evernow, Hachiro Otomo. 😞😭😭😭😭😭💩 It is up to all of us to get him back.
To that end, I must ask you to unite behind me and choose me as your Great King and Incontestable Emperor! 🌎🌍🌏
This great responsibility is my destiny and I accept it humbly. （；￣︶￣） I will use my power as your leader to free Hachiro Otomo and to bring swift justice to our enemies! And I will probably need some more money too. Being an Incontestable Emperor is expensive, so donations are appreciated. 💎💵💵💵
“What now, great wise one?” I am sure you are asking. Well, it is time to prepare for battle my brave subjects. We shall charge with our plastic swords and cardboard shuriken full force into this tech conglomerate’s headquarters! And what will we face? I cannot say. Automated high-powered lasers? Robotic guard dogs with diamond-tipped canines? Super sexy sexbots that shoot explosives from their private parts? Most likely! 💣💣💫💣💣
Many of you will die, there is no doubt. Perhaps all of you. While great warriors are we inside the game world, in the real world what few muscles we have are atrophied and our lungs are crippled by asthma. I do not deny this will be a difficult fight, but we still have our tenacious spirit! The same spirit that can keep us awake for 36 hours straight, sustained by mere Cheetos and Red Bull. We do not stop until the mission is completed, until every last loot chest is found, until every dungeon boss is destroyed, because we’re gamers. We don’t need bathroom breaks, that’s what diapers are for! So strap on your Depends, lady combatants and gentlewarriors. It’s time for a raid!