Glasses vs Glasses

Mr. Bennet Quentin and Gun
Renautas made a critical mistake. They showed their hand. That’s Primatech 101: Always operate in the shadows. As far as the world knew, I was just a simple paper salesman. In reality, I was one of the best regional salesmen in the entire company, and a bagger and tagger too!

Two jobs, that’s the key to a successful clandestine operation. One is the cover, work you do because you love it, because it’s simple, because good paper deserves a loving home. And the second is the real money-maker, the work that makes a difference in the world, that puts a smile on people’s faces and a taser in their butts. Renautas isn’t doing it right at all. They’re out in the open. And they just revealed their secret weapon.


It’s a shame we don’t have an ophthalmologist on our side. Damn it, René! Why did you have to die on me?

But it’s no matter. This is my bread and butter. My cup of tea. My two scoops of vanilla in a waffle cone. And the best part is, they have no idea I’m coming for them or how close I am.

I’m so close, in fact, that I almost had the key to their whole program in my grasp. Molly Walker. A sweet little kid from my bagging and tagging days, all grown up as if she’s an entirely different person. But no. I could tell she was the same nice girl I remembered, and I had come to save her.

“Quick, Molly. Take my hand!”

Molly Walker and hand

She quivered in the hallway, unsure what to do. Did she not remember me?

“It’s me,” I said. “Your friendly neighborhood mysterious man in horn-rimmed glasses.”

“Noah?” she asked. “Noah Bennet?”

“It’s me, Molly. You’re safe now. I’ll take you out of this Silicon Valley nightmare.”

“No!” she screamed.

That was unexpected, I must admit. Up until this point, the plan had been going so well. They don’t call me the Man with the Plan for nothing. Speaking of which, I should give a quick shout out to my new partner Quentin something or other. He did a great job using his bullet wound as a distraction, which just proves my point that any loser can be put to good use with a the right number of bullet holes in them.

“Relax Molly.” I tried to calm the frightened thing’s nerves. “It’s okay. I don’t sell paper anymore.”

“I’m not going anywhere with you!”

She wasn’t getting it. I’m a good guy. I don’t know why it’s so hard for people to realize that. It’s not like I’m floating around in a trench coat slicing the tops off people’s skulls. I have on a tie for crying out loud! How bad could I be?

“Look,” I explained, “if you stay here, they will kill you. Come with me if you want to not be killed.”

“Um, nah,” she said and ran off before I could think to shoot her. Old age must be catching up to me.

Molly Walker Glasses

I hit my hobbit partner on his blood-soaked shoulder. “Well, that did not go as planned. Why are you crying?”

The two of us made our way to the exits, but something caught my attention. It was the sound of a product launch announcement. I’d know that noise anywhere. The quiet chatter of anticipation. The random microphone noises as the tech people set things up. The overly dramatic introduction music.

“Hold it,” I said. “If that’s the music they’re using to hype this thing, it must be big.” My furry companion and I stopped to watch the presentation, and there I caught the first glimpse of my new enemy.

Renautas EPIC Glasses

Do you even bifocal?

Give a man the right glasses, and he can conquer the world. And I’m here to say, Renautas, those are not the right glasses. What’s with all the sleek curves? The awkward blue tint? The flimsy plastic temples? Where are the nose pads? Don’t tell me you’re just going to let the whole thing set on your nose with no suspension whatsoever!

Somebody is about to get a lesson in eyewear, and it’s going to be epic.