Do you know that thing I said about how Becky Taylor is evil? Well, I was totally proven right. Not only is she evil, she’s some sort of invisible, deadly evil. I mean, she – Let me start from the beginning.
The crazy Psi Alpha Chi girls came after us in the middle of the night and Claire went all La Femme Nikita on them and I think she maybe just about killed someone with kung fu. Becky was heading up this sorority sanctioned kidnapping, unsurprisingly. She took off her hood so Claire would back off. “Like, ohmigawd,” Claire exclaimed, “I was just trying to defend my BFF! Duh! And what is with your gawd awful hideous outfits anyway?” That’s when the girls put hoods over our heads, taped us up, and threw us into the trunk of a car. I’m sure there was some sort of camera back there, filming us for YouTube or something crass like that.
Our uncreative captors relocated Claire and I, as well as two other apparent prospective pledges, to some abandoned slaughterhouse. You’d think it was Halloween or something like that. I was having none of it. I mean, how lame was all of that? Totally, that’s how lame it was. Completely and utterly. I could tell Claire was kind of on edge, so I was playing it cool for her. I mean, Becky was up to something – probably no good – but I couldn’t let Claire sit and obsess about it. Even if the look she has on her face when she’s stressed is totally adorable. Then again, she always seems to be stressed out. Must be why I think she’s so cute. Anyway, to help Claire keep her cool, I let her play Twenty Questions with me about my love life. Did you know she’s still got her V Card? I think that’s so precious. But just as things started to get juicy, Claire was just about jumping out of her skin! “Like, did you see that?! It was totally, like, some sort of moving shadow thingy!” I figured she was trying to change the subject – you know how flakey cheerleaders can be. She was crazy insistent, though, that something was going on. I wasn’t sure how to keep her distracted from that thought. Claire Bennet is the mother of all conspiracy theories. She’s got to be Richard Belzer’s wet dream. 
Now, when I say that Becky’s an invisible, deadly evil, I don’t mean she’s a ninja. No matter how hard she was trying to look like one. No, she’s all wishing she were Claude Rains or something.
Apparently, Becky Taylor was pulling the strings on our little night of mayhem. And trying to kill me! Didn’t I tell you that girl was evil? I told you she was totally evil. I think trying to kill me qualifies as totally evil, and also means I was right. Never mind the fact that she went Vlad the Impaler on poor Claire. That top is so ruined. She got away, though. Becky. But Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Ditz kind of had to see me take Claire off the pike, so to speak. I’m not sure what we’re going to do about that. The one girl might just keep quiet because she knows no one would believe her, but blondie? I get the feeling she’ll tell anyone who listens what she saw. Now, if it were just me, I’d be okay with just telling people to bite me if they tried to bug me about it, but Claire… She wants a normal life.
She says it’s okay, though.
“Like, omigosh! I’ve got this totally under control! I just need some wind chimes.”
Claire says she knows this guy from like the Dominican Republic or something?