Steamy Exploits of a Former Politician. Read at your own risk.

So, the last time you guys heard from me I was making like a statue at the big Christmas Party where “Nooooah” was hosting. $#@@$#. I tell you that Bob is a little sensitive. He turned me to gold with so little provocation, but I have to admit the situation worked in my favor. Just between you and me… even as a statue, I get the hot chicks. I spend most of my days as a laundry stand. I’m stuck in a corner with panties thrown across my face. Now that I think about, it isn’t so different from my life before the unfortunate gunfire incident and gold statue transformation.

My nights, however, are a whole different story. Elle frequently moves me to her bed. It’s a very accommodating thing for her to do. She tries to massage my stiffness away. I think she gets how uncomfortable stiffness can be to a man, I mean to a statue. However, our nightly ritual was a little different this last time because her little boyfriend showed up. I tried to tell her I’m not into underage kids…or guys…yeah…I’m not into those either, but it turned out not to matter because she pushed me out of the bed. I landed in an awkward position. My golden bum was up in the air and those Hannah Montana sheets didn’t quite cover the situation.

I was stuck in that position for a good 25 minutes while they discussed what to do with me. They finally decided on some of my daughter’s blood. The needle broke three times before that West kid finally accepted the fact that he couldn’t give me the blood that way. Finally, Elle get’s the idea that they could give me the blood through an open orifice. Oh…How I wish Parkman was there to read my mind at that moment…I was screaming EAR, EAR, EAR…but alas, West, felt the need to try an enema…I would tell you more about it, but I have blocked out the experience.


The good news is that I’m no longer a gold statue. The bad news is, the kid wasted what little blood we had and it wasn’t enough to take care of my bullet wound problem. I did learn enough to know how to save myself. Now I just have to find my illegitimate daughter. I hope she isn’t holding any grudges over my multiple rejections toward her and stuff.

Before I left on my new quest, I sent the West kid on a fool’s errand. I needed some time to pay “my” respects back to Elle. Yeah…She wasn't happy when she looked over my shoulder and saw the camera clicking. That guy her father paid to spy on her is probably still feeling the sting. I don't know if I'll ever get that burnt hair smell out of my nostrils. However, by the end of the evening, I got her mind off of it, and I left her happy. In fact, I learned a few new tricks you can do with electricity.