Noah

Gah! As my good friend Cosmo once said, "The cat is *mmeeeeoooow* out of the bag!"

And indeed it is, my friends (and by friends I mean people). My name is Noah. But that doesn't mean you can call me Noah! I still expect to be called Mr. Bennet.

Few people have the privilege of calling me by my first name. My wife, Peter Petrelli and of course, Chewbacca.

So, now that we've finally saved the world, and more importantly, the cheerleader, I find we should ease up on this blogging. I for one want to spend more time with my family, and by family I mean Claire.

That is why, the Burnt Toast Diner will no longer have daily posts. I talked to the Chef and he was glad to hear it. Too many people were complaining about having to read stuff everyday. "This isn't collage!" one comment said.

But don't cry yet. We'll still be posting on here, those of us that survived the ordeal. It just won't necessarily be daily. If you have a blog managing service, like Google Reader, I'd suggest adding us to the list. Then you can be sure not to miss a thing!

An Explosion of Emotions and of Peter

Well, it finally happened. The climax of my life, the pinnacle of my being, the really big hill of the volume (volume?), me bloweding up.

I didn't want it to happen, God (in a metaphorical sense, metaphorical God knows there is no God) knows that. But I couldn't help it. My pre-menstrual like emotions got the best of me, and not only could I not control my deep, thought-provoking, emotional emotions, but I couldn't control my bombiness, either!

Sylar was right, I was the villain! Oh cruel fate, what a sense of irony you have, that I, Peter, the most caring, loving, whiney individual in this waking world, turns out to be the one who destroys everything. I have always been one for destroying my own life, but the lives of others? Hmmmm, maybe I'd like that too, but I didn't want to find out!

After Hiro killed Sylar (which was too bad, he was one sexy guy), he went away to some feudal Japanese time for some reason. I was left alone, with no one to stop my impending explosory explosion. But then it happened....big bro! He was going to stop me! He went from villain to hero, in a stereotypically redeeming fashion that seems to happen in many television shows! Imagine that!

He flew me up to the sky. I wasn't going to blowed up innocent people. Instead, I blowed up my brother. Flaming Nathan chunks flew across the sky like fireworks. Yet another person close to me dead. I am cursed! Cursed!

But maybe this is signal for change. After all, after huge emotional climaxes, changes often occur. In TV shows, anyways. Maybe, instead of wallowing pain and heartbreak, I'll celebrate Nathan's death! And hey, as I landed on the ground, it looked like that sexy guy Sylar survived, as his body was missing and a manhole cover opened. Good for him! Is this the beginning of a new Peter?

Who am I kidding?! My emotions are too shattered for that! I killed someone I loved! And I loved Nathan! Loved him like a girlfriend! Death. Flaming Nathan Chunks. Season one over. Such is Peter.

Sparks Over NY

OMG! So last night there were these totally awesome fireworks in the sky over Mohinder's apartment. They were so orange and pretty. At first I thought that I had something to do with it, but then I realized I had nothing to do with it. Nathan still hasn't returned my phone call from yesterday morning. That mean mean man. Sometimes I swear he loves his brother more than he loves me. But it's no matter.

And, oh my God, so much like six degrees of separation! Despite all the devastation and upheaval going on in NY since that pretty light show the other night, you're not going to believe who found my long lost cousin, Vladimir Sputnikskyov! Grandma was so totally sure he was lost in the Chernobyl disaster -- but I guess he had powers we didn't even know about! Perhaps he was really a twinkie like we always suspected. You know, cockroaches and twinkies are the only things that will survive nuclear disaster.

I'm kind of sad that he was mistakenly killed in a heavily ironic fashion. We always joked that he would be de-legged by irony. Or was it iron brew vodka? I don't remember. Silly medical conditions like that seem to run in my family. Like Uncle Vanya who had a wooden peg leg. He said his original leg was bitten off by a bear. Grandma used to tell me when I was a little girl,

"BEAR THINK UNCLE VANYA'S LEG LOOK BETTER IN STOMACH! HE HAVE HAIRY LEGS. MUCH HAIR! HE VER HAIRY! BEAR EAT LEG! THAT WHY BEAR HAVE HAIRY LEGS!"

Ah, my grandma is so smart. It just goes to show that you are what you eat! I have cream filling because I eat my weight in that cream-filled, Little Debbie goodness everyday. I suppose if I wanted to survive nuclear winter I could eat cockroaches -- there are enough of them to go around in New York, you know. But I have this nagging feeling that I shouldn't be delving too far into NY's sewer system for the next few months. I can't put my finger on why.

So anyways, I'm in Mohinder's apartment last night (I had to break in -- he changed the locks, can you believe that?! I know! I was SOOO offended!), and all of a sudden I hear this sound of breaking glass. Thinking that someone had landed on my car -- again -- after taking a dive off a roof (I swear once I find the guy who did that, he is so fired), I stuck my head out the window and saw someone laying on the ground, covered in glass. But she got up and walked away, so I went back to watching television. Reruns of Mork & Mindy hold my attention much longer than someone jumping out of a ten story window and miraculously surviving while popping their bones back into place as they run away. Hmmm. I guess that shows where my priorities are!

Then, all of a sudden, the lights went out in Mohinder's apartment. Of course. He's too busy focusing on "my father's research" and "my father's this" and "my father's that" that he can't pay his father's electricity bill. I was just about to rub my hands together to make some light when the sky was lit up with brilliant orange and red! I kind of remember Peter saying something about "I'm going to explode. Oh woe is me. Tragic. Darkness. The death of the light." but I thought he was just talking about being constipated. I remember, all I could think of when I saw that light in the sky was,

"Nathan Petrelli, fly down from the sky and save New York City! GO GO, Nathan Petrelli, GO!"

I really need to lay off of smoking whatever it is that Michael keeps in that bag of his. I'm just going to sit here and bask in the light. I could use a suntan -- even at night!

~ Lana

Msg. From The Ghost of Congressman Petrelli

My fellow New York--- No that's not right. My fellow Americans--- not that's not right either...

My Fellow Heroes:

Well as I’m sure many of you know I won the election. It was a landslide. I’m not surprised by that because to know me is to love me after all. However, many of you may not be aware that shortly after winning the election, I died in an explosion. I expected to die when I went to Peter tonight. I also expected to go to heaven. You know…Good deeds and all…Unfortunately, there was some confusion over my life and they aren’t sure if I should go to heaven or the other place. I’m in a state of limbo until a decision is made. I am on my way to judgment now. I’m not looking forward to defending my life.

Later, as I sat in front of the judgment panel, I became worried about the tricks I used to play on Pete when were kids. I hoped they wouldn’t bring up the time I tried to freeze the cat. Fortunately, they decided to give me a fighting chance and agreed to only examine the last five weeks of my life. I have to be honest with you. The past five weeks have been the longest in my life. It has felt more like nine months instead, but I digress…

The demon that was acting as D.A. began to grill me.

“Mr. Petrelli. Did you or did you not try to convince your little brother that he was mentally unstable when telling him that he tried to commit suicide by jumping off of a building? Isn’t it also true that you knew he believed he could fly and that flight was indeed possible because you had recently discovered you were capable of flight as well?”

“Yes and no. I tried to convince my brother that he could not fly. I wasn’t really trying to make him doubt his sanity. I was worried about what would happen to him if the world knew about his abilities. I was afraid they would lock him in a cage and do experiments on him, so you see; I was really concerned about someone other than myself. It was a selfless act type of lie.”

“Oh…Well… Is it or is it not true that you humiliated your brother in front of a room full of people by announcing that he was mentally unstable and then attempted to capitalize on this lie by stating he had attempted suicide?”

“Yes and no. I did make this announcement, but I did it with the hope that I could become a Congressman and help more people on a larger scale. Peter understood this. He forgave me after some time had passed, and he punched me in my beautiful face twice. I feel I have already been punished for the wrong that came from this offense.”

“That is for the panel to decide Mr. Petrelli. Did you or did you not destroy a painting that would aid your brother in saving the world?”

“Yes. I destroyed the painting, but I didn’t believe at the time that saving a Cheerleader could save the world. I mean come on people…A CHEERLEADER… Besides I thought if the painting was accurate, it would mean by brother’s death. I was actually saving his life. That incidence should be counted as a plus toward my admission to heaven.”

“Mr. Petrelli. did you or did you not meet with a gangster in Vegas and ask him for four million dollars to help you get elected? Did you not also commit adultery during this sin filled trip?”

“Yes and no. I did go to Vegas and meet with Linderman, but it was part of an over all plan to nail Linderman for certain illegal activities. I was actually working with the FBI, but it was too soon to try and catch Linderman on tape confessing. I did come back to Vegas later and try to get him on tape. Unfortunately, that ended with the death of the FBI agents I was working with at the time. The adultery thing…Well, have you seen that girl? I mean come on… I wouldn’t be a man if I turned down this.”

“And let’s face it, I’m smokin’ hot too. You can’t just put two hot people in a room with a bed and expect nothing to happen.” “Alright, alright. How about this? Did you or did you not try to pay off an ex-girlfriend and deny your own daughter?”

“Look…I can stand here all day and defend myself to you. The point is that most everything I have done was to protect my family.”

“So Mr. Petrelli, are you claiming that rigging an election was for the good of your family?”

“No. I didn’t know how Linderman planned to get me into office. Linderman’s plan for me was a means to an end. Linderman knew too much about Peter. He knew too much about my whole life. I had to find out everything he had on us. In the end, I couldn’t trust anyone; and I wasn’t sure the bomb could be stopped. I thought it was unavoidable. After the look on Peters face in the parking garage, I knew what I had to do. I tried to hint to Claire that it would all make sense to her soon, but she just got angry and jumped out a window. I made my final decision the same way I have made all of my decisions. I made it out of love. As some cheesy person once said, “All that really matters is love.” This is true. I don’t think I would have gone through with it, if it weren’t for my love for Peter, for my whole family.”

We went back and forth for several hours in this manner, until the panel of judges decided they wanted to deliberate. I honestly hope they take their time in deliberating because I want to stick around the earthly plain long enough to see if Peter heals properly from exploding. Anyway, before retiring for deliberations, they gave me one more opportunity to make an overall statement and vindicate myself.

I stood before the panel, I looked each one in the eye, and I finally decided on these words.

“I have been misunderstood all of my life. I have been pressured by my parents to live a certain type of life. I have been forced to play the role of a political shark, and the results were that most people who came into contact with me either hated me or assumed I was evil. I just want to say to all of those haters out there…

Hell yeah I saved the World, and now I’m blogging about it at the Burnt Toast Diner!”

Shooting Little Girls

Bennet here. I'm in a tight spot here with Mohinder. I wrote about it on my blog. But, to raise the chances of someone coming in to save the day, I decided to post it here too. I know, you're way out in Texas, but perhaps you could put down the waffles long enough to come to New York and save me? Anybody?

When I signed up as a paper salesman, I expected to have to shoot innocent children from time to time. But after quiting, or being forced to resign I guess, I never expected I'd have to do it!

But I was wrong. The tracking system the evil-doers were using turned out to be an actual person. That much I was aware of before hand. But I didn't know it'd be a tiny version of an adult, otherwise known as a kid.

I had no choice. Mohinder done knocked out my dyslexic friend. He pulled a gun on me. Good thing I'm a quick thinker! I pulled the gun on the child, knowing Mohinder would have to give in. I suspect with the few minutes he has known her, he's grown a great attachment with the girl, and probably ties in with the memory of his deadish sister.

"Drop your gun, or I blow her brains out!" I yelled.

"That notion is quite preposterous! I don't feel wholly assured that the lowering of my weapon would protect the female child from your senseless brutality, most obviously brought on by your uneducated and unsophisticated Texas lifestyle requiring you to tote guns and allow testosterone to oversee your actions."

"Don't try me, Mohinder! Thompson never told you about his father, did he?"

"He informed me that it was indeed Sylar who murdered him."

"No. I am your father."

"Why that is quite improbable and unlikely, dare I say, impossible!"

"It was worth a shot. Speaking of shots..."

"Oh, that was an absolutely horrid segue!"

Hmmm....this is quite the predicament I'm in now. I can only hope for some external miracle, perhaps someone will arrive to disrupt our little showdown. Or maybe Matt will regain consciousness. And maybe Mohinder knocked the dyslexia out of him! Okay, perhaps that's too much of a miracle to hope for. I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

The Spread

It been a rough last few days. We had been lost in NYC for the last few days. We where looking for a clear spot so Miss Tarot can do a reading. I told her I have no problem getting a items to help us. Heck, GPS didn't ever help.

It finally dawned on a place to go. I asked her if she minded getting wet. She said that it was no problem at all. I just told her to follow me.


The place I remember was a storm tunnel. I used to go there and watch the NYC Bum fights. It was bloody entertaining. The prizes was usually crack, illegal guns, clean food and alcohol. I never fought because I knew I would win and I could get all those items on my own. I have made quite bit of money pit pocketing some of the bums.

When we got there, there was a few bums "sleeping" there. We walked around them. I finally found us spot. When I showed Tarot the spot, She looked at me like I was crazy.

"I can't do my reading here" She said while pointed to the used drug needles on the ground.

"No Problem" I replied while kicking the needles out of the way.

She shot me a dirty look while she sat down. She pulled out her set of cards from her bag. "Be Quite" she told me as sort her deck. After what seem like twenty minutes, she laid out her spread.

"Well, What do you see" I asked her.

"My card show that the bomb will still go off. There will be an epic battle between two forces. On one side, a power hungry watchmaker. The other side has a set of brothers. Plus, Two families will be united to stop this event. The key to defeating the bomb is a young girl. A sword held by a hero will change everything."

"Will they save NYC" I asked

"I can't see what will happen" She said

"Can it least tell me tomorrow's lottery numbers"

She answered "NO, I am going to try another spread to see what I find"

"While you do that, I am going to see if I can get some bums to fight for my entertainment" I replied.

Lost In New York

We've run into a bit of a problem. The company I'm with is awesome, but the fact that we haven't found Peter yet is beyond not good. I haven't had a chance to stop, read my cards, and get a clearer picture, but my intuition keeps telling me a lot of somethings bad are happening and not just a fellow nurse going boom and taking half or more of this city with him. Normally, I'm a bit more secretive in my posts, but I'm so lost, I have no clue where I am, and unfortunately, neither does Claude. On the plus side, he can make me vanish too, so long as I'm close to him, not that I mind =). Claude said he's been here for like 7 years, but even given that, he's still not sure where we are. I'm from New Hampshire myself, and I doubt I could do nearly half as well navigating in Boston. Claude even tried nicking this GPS device, but for some reason we keep getting messed up readings and can't get a lock on more than 2 satellites at any given time. We passed a magick shop and Claude was tempted to swipe a set of dousing rods for me, but I've never been very good with those. It's far too windy out here to try and read my cards, and the few indoor spots with tables that we've encountered, folks seem to either clutter up the table (I need a clean, clear, flat workspace) or they up and move the entire table. It's kind of annoying and I can see why Claude gets aggravated.

The One and Only Sanjaya

hey all, it's me Sanjayay! i totaly stole ed's passwerd! it fell out wile he was cowering on the floor as i approached to eat his brainz!

i'm after brainz because i met my hero Sylarz! he's so pretty i wanna be just lik him as ive alwayz wanted to b spwshul and seksay. so after i got kiked of Amerikan Idol (sooo not fair!) i decided to eats peeps brainz and be more speshul lik Sylarz! i staked Ed since I saw him figkting leprechauns with ligning he must have speshul powerz! mayb if i'm speashul enogh i'll get a recoord deal! i know just what the cover wll lock lik...


neways i wuz totaly about to eat Ed's brainz when a door slamed in the bak of the auditoum cauzing me to lose my concentrashun!







Hold it right there!

Me: omg celine dion!!?







Thats right! There's only room enough for one talentless diva in this country! Thats why I framed Paris Hilton so she would go to jail!

Me: omg yoo did that?







Thats right, now I need to stop all other divas so I'm here to kill you!

Me: noooo! that wil mess up my butiful hair!

just then another persn burst thru the door!








OMG like not so fast Celine!







Britney! I thought we had a truce.








i decided to brek it an be a star agin, im sik of bein made fun of and riasin kids!







Then I suppose I'll have to kill you as well!

Me: wait! i totaly hav a great idea! we shold form a super group! be lik the hotest thig evar! we could sing and eat brainz to be even more speshul!







Hmm, I don't know








like, OMG ya'll, i totaly once had my
brainz eaten!







I guess I'll go along, if only to shut Britney up...


an thats how our supergup wus formed! wait, i totaly forgot about ed! lol, i can get his brainz netime l8er later now that i hav my girlz bi my side.

Advice from God

Yo, peeps! It's me, Brody Mitchum, but you can call me God. Yeah, I know, it's been a while since I've posted. But I've been busy. Too many Freshmans this year, my hands are full!

I like my free time too. And I don't have much, so when I have it, I don't spend it blogging. Instead, I go to the Mall with my buds and chill.

That's where I was yesterday. We had a great time. There were a few honeys there. And yes, I succeeded with them all. But that's to be expected. In fact, I'm so successful, people always ask me for advice.

"Hey, man, give us advice," they say.

And so, I thought well, okay. I can share some of the Wisdom of Brody.

The first thing, and most important, is money. You have to be bankin'. If you're not, put up a front. Get your priorities straight when it comes to finances. Not everyone has a wealthy real estate broker for a dad and a lawyer for a mom like me. So, chances are, you can't throw money around like me.

So, what do you do? Simple. Invest in flashy stuff. If it makes you look rich, you want it. Buy things that are superfluous. Yeah, I learned that word yesterday too. It means excessive, like stuff you don't need. A kid at the mall said it about a diamond watch I was buying, so I whooped him in the parking lot. Of course, now that I know it wasn't an insult, I may not have done that. But it's too late for morals now.

Second, you have to focus on the hair. The ladies are suckers for a nice do. Go to a professional until you learn to perfect it yourself. If it doesn't take you an hour, you're doing it wrong!

Third, listen! Yeah, easy. See....ladies, they're not very secure. They need to feel secure. So, to do that, just pretend you are listening. Nod while they talk. Say, "Mmm, hmmm." And pay attention enough to paraphrase what they say. And if you want some major brownie points, tell them how they feel! They eat that stuff up.

Example. She comes in all pissy, and you know she's pissy, but she doesn't say, "Hey, I'm pissy!" No! She says, "Gah! Mr. Williams flunked me because I didn't do my research paper on the wallaby!"

You say, "Wow, that's crazy." That way she knows you're on her side. Then say, "You're really pissed about that."

She'll say, "Heck yeah I am! He's a stupid teacher. I'm a cheerleader, I'm not supposed to write about wallabies!"

"You're too good for his nonsense," you say. Smile. Look her calmly in the eyes. Reach out slowly and put your arm on her shoulder. "So, you wanna get jiggy?"

Bam! And that is how you do it.

omg i kin like xplode lol!

omg! omg! so much like happened! 1st of all i ran in2 a caveman n 4 once insted of using my brute brain eating strength i used my smarts! yes lol i do haf a lil bit of smarts! i like tipped off ugly fbi chick audrey that ted wuz in town. boy is she ugly lol. i knead 2 give her a makeover but i guess it doesnt help shes trying 2 foil me! so just cuz of that she gets 2 stay ugly lol!

newayz the caveman got captured n i went 2 go kill him in his lil truck. i totally flipped it over like a brain-chip pancake n found caveman in the back lol screaming like a lil sylar wen a doctor puts cold hands on his boobies!

"Who you? Me Ted! Me like fire! Me make fire!" the idiot sayd.

'i no lol. ive come 2 take ur fire silly!'

i started 2 tear opn his skull.

"What you do? Ted hurt! You hurt Ted! Ted skull opens! Brain out!"

lol caveman made me laugh. 2 bad he had 2 die. i started 2 eat his brain!

"No! No eat Ted brain! Ted need think! Ted no speak without brain!"

caveman stopped talking. omg he wuz dead lol. o well. i had his pwr! i cud like blow things up! i went up 2 a hot rooftop 2 look kool n stuff as i tested out my pwrs. i wuz finlly ready 2 face petey n give him a better haircut. n eat his brain lol how cud i forget about that! n kill a few peeps w/ exploding of course lol.

'boom lol' i said w/ glee!

Uncle Kinda Cute say whaaaa?

Once upon a time, some random sketchy dude attempted to kill me and got a horrible version of my former best friend. And a kinda cute man saved me. The mistake that I made here was thinking that because he could do what I could do, that he was in some way going to help me through the insane and bizarre trial that has become my life. Then I found out he was my biological uncle! Truth is, Uncle Kinda Cute is totally waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay (I don't have enough space in my blog for the actual proportional ammount of a's needed to say how really, seriously and totally screwed up he is.) worse off than me. HE'S GOING TO EXPLODE! AND KILL NEW YORK! AND HE WANTS ME TO KILL HIM!

So anyway, my dad's totally in New York, and unlike some people, he's not hanging out with people who want to abduct me like some biological fathers we know. But he totally did bring the people that held us hostage, like both of them, like even Ted. I swear, shifty, shifty people in my family...I don't know what's going on. I can't even keep all of this straight any more, cause I totally thought that Ted was on our bad people list cause he kinda blew up our house and made me all zombified. And Matt shot me... I told him to but still... jeans! And I totally thought BFP was on the *mostly* good people list because of the whole you know, "being my biological father thing. And Uncle Kinda Cute was on my mentally healthy people list because he's kinda cute! But no one will stay on their respective lists or even in their respective states. I had Texas and New York all straight, but no...people took planes and trains and radioactive men all over the country. And what a bright plan that was cause Uncle Kinda Cute + Radioactive Caveman Hostage Taker = Me with Huge and Unpleasant Gun and Murder Death Kill Mandate from said Kinda Cute Relative.

And Uncle Kinda Cute is giving me weird looks along with the glowy hands...I feel a little uncomfortable and it's not just the massive gun I have in my hand.

Ooooh, almost forgot the most life-changing part! I got clothes from Bio-Grandma, like this really cute outfit!

A Mother’s Love

Today’s a day for appreciating your caretaker, your nurturer, and the woman who slapped together more PB&J sandwiches than you can count. Unfortunately for me I have no mom to shower with gifts, cards, and kisses, and my son is too busy being kidnapped to spend the day with me, so I thought I’d give my little weenie a tribute this Mother’s Day, and maybe it’ll show Hana that she’s being paranoid, there’s no need to kill my son!

When Micah was a baby I could tell he was special. I just wasn’t sure if that was a good thing. He had a funny look to him (must have got it from D.L.’s side) and a habit of licking various things (maybe he got that from me).

After a while he started looking somewhat normal, and he grew into a sweet, intelligent, little guy. He was always a good kid, never got in any trouble, just sat quietly in the corner of his room, just fiddling around with random devices for most of the day. He fixed his first lamp at age four! It was a proud day, and
I didn’t have to spend my hard earned money on an appliance! Being an alcoholic isn’t cheap.

Now he’s the smartest person I know, I wouldn’t trade him for a million bucks (though two could open my mind a bit) and I love him more than anyone else in the world. Now, I’d like to bring this tribute to a close with a little poem I’ve written for my weenie.

“Micah’

M is for midnight hours awake,

I is for the countless inventions you’d break,

C is for the crying that never stopped,

A is for the attention you sometimes got,

H is for the hugs that make me smile,

Micah, those twenty-seven hours were worth while.

Happy Mother’s Day everyone, make sure you get mom something more than a card!

Little Threat!

It's me Hana again! I have to warn you about Linderman!!! He's planning something! And if Star Wars has taught us anything, it's that when old, evil people plan, it's not good for anyone!

What's his plan? To elect a certain evil-doer to the White House! He's going to rig the elections!!!!!

My main complaint with this is that he's not Jewish! If we rig an election, why can't we use it to elect a Jewish President? That's the only way we'll ever have one!!! And imagine how rich our nation would be! We'd never spend money on wasteful government programs like schools and bridges!! We'd invest it all it movies!

But what's worse than the lack of Jewish President is this little boy!:



We have to stop him! There are several options available when it comes to killing children!!! There's the good ol' "I'm the Ice Cream Man.....NOT!" trick. But my favorite, the explosive teddy bear!! But he's being guarded by Linderman's goons! Goons are tough to get through unless you're a mutated turtle-human hybrid with youth and ninja-skills!

So your mission is to turn Micah into this:



Dead Micah!!!

Deal or No Deal

Yesterday, I was presented with an offer by THE Angela Petrelli. We had a nice little chat and she told me to think about the offer.

After she left, I began to ponder her deal. The first part of the deal was logging at the Whinehouse Pet hotels. Whinehouse is the Hilton of Pet hotels. I have heard stories that the staff only uses bottle water imported from the Swiss Alps for their costumers. They uses the finest satin on all the beds. All the food has been prepared by some South American chef. Every client has at least three personal servants. The best part of the deal is that it is FREE!!!


Ms. Petrelli also offered me a position in her inner circle. I would be her personal consultant. Having the name Petrelli name attached to my resume could open many door for me. If I play my cards right, I could be a cultural icon. Could you imagine all the photo ops I would be invited to. Granted I would be on someone's arm but I am still in the photo. I could be on the posters for animal car, do infomercials for the newest pet wear, or maybe have my own reality show. The options are endless for me
.

I know, I have had a beef with Mr. Nathan Petrelli. If I agree to this deal, I would have to be able to work with him. I guess I could put aside my difference with him for the sake of Claire and Angela. Maybe I could learn how to work his PDA and make sure he is running on the straight path. I could also keep an eye on Claire for Mommy.

I do have a few questions you, Ms. Petrelli . These questions would help me make my mind.

What happens once Mommy comes back home?

Will she be treated as good as I would be?

How does Mommy fit in to my life working with you?

I still don't know what to do. Should I agree to her deal and whore myself out? I wish Mommy was here to help me out.

Seeking Employment

I'v spent a lot of my adult life as a paper salesman. And now, it seems I'll need to find another job. But paper has always been my calling, my passion. What else could I possibly do?

"Dad! Peter's going to explode!"

"Not now, Claire Bear," I replied. "Daddy's in deep thought."

I thought back of my previous job experience, before paper came into my life. It didn't seem like anything to be proud of. When I was 13, I shined shoes for Stevie Wonder. But, eventually I realized he was blind and stopped doing a good job. I didn't think he'd notice. Of course, I was wrong. Stevie Wonder may be blind, but what he lacks in eyesight, he makes up for with superb hearing. He told me that he could hear the mud on his shoes, and so I was fired.

Then, I got a job in advertising!



It didn't last long. I had a conflict of interest with the director. "Fries don't have legs!" I said, attempting to fix this major error in his work.

"Yeah? They don't have jobs either. Get out of here, kid."

So, after that, I worked as an executioner's assistant. My job was to catch the heads so they wouldn't roll off into the crowds and be taken home as souvenirs. (Then wind up on eBay 20 years later.) But, unfortunately, my ingenuity lost me that job. I had the wonderful idea of putting a basket under them, to catch the heads. I thought it'd make my job easier, but it just made it obsolete.

So, I finally had to settle for fast food employment.



Wow, it's hard to believe I was once a young man. Seems like I've been a father all my life. Speaking of which, "Claire?"

"Peter!"

"Calm down. Don't you want to hear about my trip over here?"

"No! We have to save Peter."

"That can wait. I've got pictures!"

I am Death, Destruction, and Dysphagia

Well, it's finally happening. I guess I'm blowing up. I am the Hellfires of the Abyss of the Atronach channeled through the body of the matyr of specialness. Such is Peter.

So is there anything I can do to stop it? I don't know, and at this point, I don't care. At this point, I wouldn't care if others felt the pain I felt everyday. Or is it even pain that they would feel? More like instantaneous relief from the burdens of a cold, unforgiving world. What is death anyways but a release from the pain of life? I've experienced it, and it is simply orgasmic. Shouldn't I spread that joy to others?

But maybe there is a reason to try to stop myself. Maybe there is love on the horizon. Forbidden love could be on the horizon. And forbidden love is the one kind of love that may work for Emo Pete. Especially when that forbidden love is also incestuous.

That's right, I've been a Paire fan from the beginning. What a cute couple we'd make. And us having that nice familial connection, maybe the heartbreak won't come. And maybe we'd spend more time battling for our relationship in the scornful eyes of society than arguing over who is more emotional. I usually win that battle, even during my girls' periods.

Ironic, isn't it, that when I finally find a reason to live, my life and the lives of everyone around me will end. Oh well, this incestuous love was probably just a fleeting grasp at happiness once more. Will I ever learn? Probably not. I'm always searching for the break in the clouds, but it will never come.

Well, I better go now. I'm melting my computer. Hopefully you're not in New York City.

Sincerely,
Peter

My Fellow Burnt Toast People:

Sometimes we must seriously reflect upon things…

I have been so busy lately, I have barely had time to think. Let me just recap a little bit for you. Not too long ago, I was in Las Vegas meeting with Linderman. My first intention was to get information to put him away for life. That was ruined by one of my ex-lovers.

I was then on a mission to kill Linderman, even if it meant my life.

Well after our little talk and his promise of world domination, I weakened a little.

Of course the deal breaker was that Peter had to die for this to take place. I told him he was crazy and walked out on him. I then made several attempts to go back to NY, but I was distracted by a certain Dixie Chick. After the concert, my campaign manager entered me into this Last Gladiator Contest. http://last-gladiator2.blogspot.com/ I’m firing her the first chance I get. Shortly after I had finished my first challenge in the games, I got a call from Mother telling me Peter was dead. It was then I said, "sc#$W the plane." I flew home on my own. Fortunately, I learned that my little Petey can’t die… No matter what!!!

That brings me to where I am now. I feel like I am at a crossroads. I want to rule the world, truly I do. Now that I know Peter can’t die from exploding, I feel more inclined to let nature take its course. It’s just… I feel kinda bad about letting all of those people die. I know that if I let them die, Peter will find out and cut me out of his life. I don’t really know who I am without him. Well I know I’m slightly more masculine without him, but other than that…What is there? I do have my sham of a marriage. Oh I got along with Hedi before the accident, but guilt and lack of marital relations has drove me back to the life I was leading before my marriage.

No, the other life I was leading, hanging out with all the chicks!!!

Oh, and let us not forget that I’ve picked up a stalker somewhere along the line. He is wreaking havoc on my home page, and now he has gone too far. He is actually using my page to talk about someone who is not me... The very nerve incenses me. http://petrelliforcongress.blogspot.com/

To top everything off, and this is the icing on the cake. My Mother and I are arguing over who runs Peter’s life. Can you imagine. I guess I should be greatful; it is the only thing we argue about. She pretty much manipulates me into doing her will in other areas. She’s kinda scary. If I don’t die within the next few weeks, I’m going to spend the rest of my life in therapy because of her.

I miss my twinkie girl. I think I'll head back to the Gladiator Games to take my mind off of things.

I feel so flattered!

Aside from Mohinder being madly in love with me in my wildest fantasies, it also turns out that I have, dare I say it, another admirer! I won't say who it is since it would be totally scandalous, but needless to say, he buys me Twinkies and waffles -- but I feel so betrayed!

Why, you ask?

Because I caught this man phasing through a door to steal my beloved Twinkies! Can you believe that?! That is so worse than cheating on someone. Stealing Twinkies...never have I been so offended! And it was just so out of character for the dear, dear You Know Who. Here I thought all he could do was fly. Now I know that I can use him to steal Twinkies out of bakeries for me in the future. Twinkies are better than biscuits (sorry, Claude.)

I've since picked up another friend from my sort-of intergalactic travels (it's very easy for me to be in two places at once, you see -- I've successfully mastered asexual reproduction without losing weight! It's incredible. I could so be like the next Virgin Mary!) Unfortunately, my new friend doesn't quite understand the concept of not grabbing women by their chests, much like He Who Must Not Be Named -- but at least the guy writing a dating application for his brother was kind enough to buy me a box of Twinkies first before he got too distracted by my -- how did Mohinder put it? Corpusculent beauty? Something like that.

While my dear out of town friend Michael and Peter were battling it out on my journal (the intarwebz are serious business!) about who was more emo, I was busy finding myself a nice new bikini. The Bikini of Doom. I have been doomed to look like a certain Greek warrior princess indefinitely. I was never notified about when I could take the costume off -- but I kind of like it. You know, that whole superhero thing. It just makes me stick out like a sore thumb. I may as well make a light show above my head that reads:

With my luck, he'd probably leave my brain and steal my bikini (it's too big for you, sweetie, so I wouldn't bother. I'll let you decide if I'm referring to my brain or my bikini here.)

Anyways, Michael is kicking me off the laptop because he is demanding to have an Internet Emo Cut Yourself To The Death *Crycrystabbitystabtears* match with Peter. Who will win?!

~ Lana

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

"I think we need to talk," I said.

Or rather. I needed to talk.

I had come to this devastatingly dingy area with strange people who think they know my children because, before anything else in my life, Angela Dominique Ames Petrelli is a mother. And a good one at that. I have to protect my "pack" as some would say. Which means that I have to deal with certain situations like no one else can, i.e. Mr.Muggles. I knew that Mr. Muggles would understand the pack mentality that dictates that the strongest must take care of her cubs no matter what they age they are or however promiscuous or emotive. Or no matter how new. Like my granddaughter Claire that I am slowly but surely coming to care for. We have a bond, now, Muggles and I: that stubborn child, just like her father, just like her grandmother. But I digress. I had a meeting with the infamous Muggles.

"Don't speak."

"I have come to propose to you a deal... I understand you are like a sibling to my recently acquired granddaughter and for your worries about her, I shall assure you that I will personally assure her health and well being. I will protect her from my darling Nathan if the need ever arises (I am absolutely positive he won't emotionally scar her and I shall protect her if the need arises. But it won't. Ever.) I think that that should allay your fears of distrust in our abilities to care for Claire emotionally. While strange...the Petrellis stick together, as best we can. "

"As for the deal portion of this particular conversation. I have it on good authority that your Mother may not be here to get you anytime soon, so I've arranged a stay at the finest canine palace in Texas.



You will have your own manicurist, your own pedicurist, a fur specialist, a dentist with assistant, and the latest in doggy couture...





...All I want from you is trust: trust that I will do whatever is in Claire's best interest. I also would like for us to be friends. You've helped me see my family quite a bit more differently that I do and I feel that may lead to some interesting tactic changes on my part."

"I am also willing to offer the role of my consultant during the straining time on our family would have the position of giving me a second opinion on certain politico-social situations."


"Regardless the hotel and its services are free of charge" I added blithely

I felt as though to truly honor the almost maniacal nature of the very slippery Muggles, there was one more thing I needed to say.

"...One last thing. It has been a joy watching how your mind deals with such class on issues that can become paparazzi fodder in the blink of an eye. I commend your style. Think of what we could do together...."

"Don't answer just yet..." I walked down the hall towards the front entrance of the jailbitten kennel and before whispering only one more thing to my former adversary



"The rest is up to you."

Early Morning

It wasn't odd for me to wake up somewhere new. I have done that it too many times to count. This morning when I woke up, I realized I was in someone's living room. The room was very brightly lite. I could see the morning sun peeking in though the shades.

I sat up from the couch and began to ponder what bloody happen the night before. I remember going to a pub. I walked in there looking for some dough. I need some money and place was like a bank with free beer.

My first withdraw was from a young lad trying to hit on some gal. He was trying his best to get her attention. He was using the most pathetic pick up lines on her. With the lines he was using, a caveman couldn't get some action. I made fifty bucks off lover boy.

After making some dough. I picked up my first pint of beer. I was quite the happy lad. The last thing I remember was wondering around outside in the cold air.

Trying to put the pieces together from a night is quite hard. I looked around the flat to see if anything jogged my poor memory. The flat was quite nice so I figure that this person must not be too hard up for money. Looking around the room, a piece of paper caught my eye.

On the paper, there was a short note:

Claude,

I will be back soon. Make yourself comfortable. Will be back soon.

Tarot

Then it dawned on me. I realize me and her have the world to save.

At last we meet

After all the emailing, blogging, and searching, I finally met Claude. It was an interesting meeting to be sure. I had just come down from the roof, where I'd been tending Claude's pigeons, to get something out of the flat I'd been renting, when I saw him standing in the hall.




Tarot?










Claude?





Claude nodded. He looked a bit under the weather so I told him to come on in to my flat.



Thanks. I suppose you're willing to look after me as well as Poodle?








Peter doesn't need my help. His brother, Nathan indicated as much. Just the same, I'd rather hang with you.








Really?







Yes, really.










OK, nurse, know any decent hangover cures?







I can handle that.









I'm sure you can, at that.








Of course, after all he'd been through, Claude needed some rest. Fortunately, I have plenty of space. So one mystery is solved, now we just need to find a way to keep Peter (or anyone else) from exploding.


Save the hospice nurse, save the world.

On the wya to NYC

Here we go. Matty P. is gonig to the city, that ryhmes swet!!!

So, Benttett took us bkca to the bernt taost dinner, us me and ted. We bsted out of prmetietach papre. Ted calls me the new caevman sicne he shavde and in ordre to bust out, i had to bang on stuff like piepes and stuff, i did aewsome. but i am not a cveaman, im matty p. and what do i like, wait for it......WFALLES!!!! So here we are in the bernt taost dinre, ted is in the btharoom, im thinkign i shuold go chcek on him cuz threr is a wierd lgiht comnig from undre the door ovre threr, i hope he is ok. who cares if he blows up, as long as that door is radioatcive man safe, im happy hrer with my wffaales!!!!! bluesburry wffales!!!

Well, druing the tirthy mineute drvie from prematch to the diner, benet managed to play the milkshake song, my humps, opps i do it again, sexybizack, and when dovers cry, if thats how its gonna be the whole tryp, i sewear we are taaping ted to the back of the car and telling him to explode cuz i can take another benet mix tape, i saw abuot seven including benet's hot jams and benet's sexy dance mixes. oh god!!!!


kinda like this!!!!

let me just enjyo thses awesum WFFALES!!!! ok, benets calling, and i btter go check on chernobyl over threr. MATTY P! YEA, nyc here i comes!!!!

MIA

I lost my weenie! He's MIA! Has any one seen him? Kinda short, curly hair, funny face? No? I didn’t think so, you’d remember him. I can’t believe he’s gone! And the school claims that I picked him up. Aren’t they supposed to check licenses or something? Maybe that’s who I should sue when this is all over and done with, the school!

So far I’ve checked all the usual places he might go. The arcade, the park, the adult video store he tries to sneak into, and we all know he has no friends so that was one less place to look. He’s nowhere to be found!

So I decided to stop for something to eat. A blueberry muffin sounded good, and here I am, sipping my latte and eating my muffin and thinking about where my kid could be. I don’t think going to the cops would be a good idea. Linderman has to be behind it. Who knows what he’s doing to Micah as I eat this muffin and check my Myspace! He could be like one of those guys on Dateline’s to catch a predator, and Micah being my son, it’s no wonder why he’d want him! My son will be scarred! Emotionally and possibly physically depending on what sick games Linderman likes to play with his young victims!

For now I can just hope that he’s is more of a voyeur type and Micah’s just dressing up as a cowboy or something while Linderman takes a few snap shots. Just hold on baby, mama will find you, right after I add Primtech and finish my muffin.

New Threat: Nerds!!

It is sad, but true! Nerds are the new threat to our existence!!! Just look at them with their provocative stances, their true strength disguised by their weak-looking exterior! They must be stopped!!!

I have access to all computers! If there is one thing I'm an expert on, it's nerds!! Every day, I see them and their online doings!!!

While the moral, kind-hearted and righteous people download pornography, the nerds bask in the glow of fantastical realms on their computer screen. It's as if they have no sex drive! And not only that, but the amount of time they spend playing these so-called computer games, I was able to calculate that they do not eat or make waste as often as normal people!!! They have an enormous and dangerous power! They can deny their instinctual desires and yield total control over their bodies!

Imagine such a beast in combat! It's unthinkable!!! We all suffer from "being human"! We have emotions, desires, needs!!! But nerds do not! They only have an insatiable desire to conquer, as is evidenced by the fact they do not take a pee break until a game is thoroughly defeated, every door unlocked, every secret revealed.

Such relentlessness must be stopped!! We must fight the nerds!! I'm calling for us all to fight back, at their own game!!!! Log on to an RPG and wreak havoc on their player-created creatures!!! If we beat them in their reality, then they can never beat us in ours!!!