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June 19, 2010

It's All Downhill From Here

As I went 'round and 'round the merry-go-round, I was barely able to muster a facade of unenthusiastic happiness. All joy had been sucked out of my life as the reporters descended onto this dirty carnival.


There was a time not too long ago when my greatest desire was to protect my family, specifically Claire Bear. However, ever since that bear went native, I've had to reevaluate my life. There's no more family to protect.

Sandra left me.

I don't really like my son.

And Claire went and ruined the one thing I was good at: secretly hunting down mutants.

"You broke my heart, Claire," I told her.

"Um, like, Dad....I'm so totally famous now! I have, like, seventy bajillion Facebook friends now."

I didn't want to hear any of it. My life has always been about secrets. Secret jobs, secret marriages, secret Haitians...but now, there are no more secrets.

It's over.

Back at my lonely apartment, I poured myself some cognac. "To the last of a dying breed," I raised my glass before downing the entire drink.

"Some west African frogs have been known to spontaneously change sex from male to female in a single-sex environment," a peculiar voice interrupted my intoxication.

Bang! I fired at the non-Zim invader.




"B-b...but we...were supposed to be.....colleagues!" the robotic clown said with its last breath.

"Robots don't have last breaths," I said aloud correcting my above exposition and the poor acting being performed in front of me.

"True that," the thing said getting back up on its propeller feet, "and donuts don't have fast breasts."

"What are you doing here, Gyrobo?" I asked.

"Reporting for duty, sir!" he responded with a salute.

He was no doubt referring to The Company Apprentice, a competition I held to find someone to help me restart The Company. We had a sad lot of applicants, needless to say, as this was the winner hovering before me.

"Look, there's not going to be any company. Not any more. My daughter went public. Blew everything."

He snickered.

I continued, "There's just no way to have a clandestine company hunting special humans when everyone knows about their existence. It can't be done."

"But my pension plan!" he cried.

"You're not the only one that's lost something," I said. "Trust me." I refilled my glass and poured another for Gyrobo.

"So, what do we do now?" Gyrobo asked, looking for some kind of solace in the wise plans of his elder.

"We live," I answered. "We live, and we watch Memphis Beat."

March 5, 2010

The Good Ol' Days

I remember a time when life just seemed worth living. Hell, even death seemed worth living. Every week it seemed like something interesting was going on in my life.

Now, though, things are....unusual.

Claire went public with the news about her immortality, and every since that there's been nothing for me to do. I mean, how am I supposed to protect a girl everyone knows is invincible? It made no sense when I did it before. She can't be killed! But despite that, I protected her at all cost. That was in secret, though. Now, people will know and say of me, "Why does he waste so much time protecting someone who's invincible, especially when he has another kid?"

"I have another kid?" I'd respond. I always forget about that one. Usually, I think they're referring to the dog.

So, I was thinking that I should probably restart The Company. It'd be nice if I had a job to go to. I need something to occupy my time. If only I could qualify for a small business loan. Then, I could start my own company. We could sell paper and kidnap people. It would be a dream come true!

"Hello? Angela?" I called up the scary Petrelli matriarch.

"What is it, Noah?" she asked.

"I have a great idea for a new business. I was thinking I'd let you in as our first investor. It's a spectacular opportunity!"

"Fine," she sighed, "humor me."

"Alright, so here's the deal: It would be a paper company, stationed in Texas, but, and here's the good part, in addition to selling paper, we can kidnap people!"

"It's been tried, Noah," she said in her snarky midtown way, "and it blew up."

"I hear you." Thinking quick on my feet, I pitched another killer idea, "How about we start a school for people with abilities."

"I'm fairly certain that's straight out of a comic book," she moaned. "This is becoming tedious, Noah. I really should return to my sitting ominously in a large and empty room."

"One more idea," I quickly said, hoping I could come up with something good. Stalling, I asked her about her day. However, she told me to get on with it, so I went with the best thing I could come up with. "Let's buy an island."

"An island?" she asked.

"Off the coast of Costa Rica. We could lease it from the government there and spend a couple of years setting up a kind of biological preserve. The attractions would drive kids out of their mind, and not just kids, everyone!"

"What are those?" she inquired, obviously hooked.

"Small versions of adults, Mom," Peter's voice said on the other end.

"They're right up your alley," I answered.

"He's saying you're a dinosaur," Peter interjected again. "It's the plot of Jurassic Park."

Long story short, I didn't get the Petrelli investment. But I'll refine my business plan and give it another go. I've already proven myself as a capable business man. I mean, I practically wear nothing but business suits! How more capable can one get?

February 7, 2010

Past Teacups

As I've said countless times, people are fragile like teacups. Nobody seems to listen to me, though. And these teacup people keep shattering all around me. Sure, usually it's me doing the shattering, but still, the point is valid.

How am I so wise? People often ask me that. "Gee, Noah," Peter said just the other day, "You sure are good at so much. You must have a great backstory."

I shot him a mysterious look and said mysteriously, "Of course."

He sat down Indian style on the floor and smiled up at me.

"Umm, what are you doing?" I asked.

"Waiting for the story," he replied up at me. "It's story time right?"

"No," I answered. "Now get up and help me catch this speedster."

"Oh," he sighed, "it's just that it sounded like it was going to be story time."

I had hoped story time would never come. But like Kristie Alley's 18th jelly donut following seven bowls of Lucky Charms each morning for breakfast, it was inevitable.

Story time finally did come, thanks to some replicating jerk. Had I known he would start firing shots into the carnival, I would have shot Samuel right in the head. I never like passing up an opportunity to fire a gun. So, naturally I wasn't pleased when Claire forced me into negotiations with the carny, allowing him to surrender.

Unfortunately, I didn't get to snipe anyone, and was instead captured by the freakish lot of miscreants.

Ooh, cotton candy!


I was held prisoner in the hall of mirrors as one of them made my backstory unfold on its reflective surfaces. It told the tale of a relationship prior to Sandra....


She was the love of my life.


And the mother of my son. But things were complicated....


Because there was also Luke.


But my old man didn't want his son being "happy".

And then, and this is where it gets really confusing (I don't even know for sure how it went down), at my sister's wedding Luke got shot in the head!


And he died in my arms.

It was tragic, but I moved on. I found a new girl, but that was soon brought to an end too. She was murdered by the pizza delivery man.


Clearly, love was not meant for me. People die too easily, and so I found a better companion. My pistol. We've been together ever since.

January 11, 2010

ごめん。英語を話せない。。。



今日は、皆さん。お元気ですか。たくさん間違いをしました、でも今はだいじょうぶです。今日はスケークロと一緒にアルカンじょうに行きます。マジクカーペットを乗ったり、ワツサン先生を助けたり。じゃね!
-ひろ (hiro)




Hi. This is Ando. Hiro has been having a very bad time. His brain tumor must have gotten bigger because he has been doing many strange things.


Hiro wanted to leave a message for everybody to let them know what he is doing. He tried to write in English, but he got very frustrated. He can't remember English anymore. He can speak Japanese, but he is not making much sense. I will translate what he say.

Literally, his message says, "Hello, everybody. How are you? I have made many mistakes, but now everything is okay. Today, I am going to Arkham Castle with the Scarecrow." (Hiro must think I don't have a brain. Thanks Hiro!)


He also mentions that we are going to do things like ride on a magic carpet and save Doctor Watson. I think what he's really trying to say is that we're going to go to a mental institution in Florida to save someone. (Hopefully he is not going to try to commit himself). I'm not sure who it is we're going to save because Hiro can't exactly say. I guess I will find out soon.

-"Hey, wait. Hiro! Don't swing that around! That very sharp!"
-"Oh shit"

I think maybe I should go now before Hiro cause more problem. See you later!

December 1, 2009

No run away to join circus! Really!


i tired of hanging out around carnival. carnie very strange people. there one person here able to breathe fire. also, he no have teeth. he burn them all away.


evil butterfly man put me to work until i can figure out how time travel and save suresh-sensei. they make me pick up garbage. i son of ceo of yamagato industries, and here i am picking up trash. ひどいよ that mean nasty!


cotton candy very tasty, but difficult to clean. make everything sticky. i swear! i never eat again!

then, they make me dress up as clown and entertain audience. when i was little kid, i always want to run away and join circus so i can be clown. now, i no like. maybe it because evil butterfly man make me do. also, i discover that many people afraid of clown. i try to entertain child, and he point and start to cry.

"mommy! mommy!" he say. "i scared of clown."

"you no worry. i okay. i good clown. very funny. ne?" i say.

then i make face. little kid scream and run away. even some adult afraid of clown. big guy get frightened and punch in face. i always get punch in face. maybe i stick to being magician from now on. i no frighten people and they no punch me in face.

i also do very bad thing to get charlie-san back. i do favor for evil butterfly man in order to save her. i save movie reel that he want very bad. what he no know is i also save suresh-sensei. i regret doing now because suresh-sensei want to stomp on evil butterfly man right away.

"hiro, we got to stop evil butterfly man now. let's go!" suresh-sensei say.

"no, i tell him. you must find place to hide for eight week. that way i can save charlie-san," i tell him.

"no, you no understand," suresh-sensei say to me, "we got to stop evil butterfly man now. very dangerous."

"i know that, but if we go now, evil butterfly man no tell me where charlie-san is. besides, you very smart scientist, but you no have common sense. do very dumb thing. don't feel bad though. many smart people like this. i no want to go with you to stomp on bad butterfly man. i better off doing myself. less likely to make bigger problem. remember time you think it good idea to inject self with formula? experiment on self? you almost turn into the fly. very big problem, like i say."

"if that what you want to do, i go without you," suresh-sensei tell me.

he about to leave and i stop-o time. i trap him in funny farm.


oops. i do it again. he going to be very angry with me. what people no understand is i sometimes use power to get problematic people out of way. just ask this guy.


i better not tell charlie-san what i do. she be very mad and break up with me for sure. now, i wonder where charlie-san is. my luck, evil butterfly man put her in cell next to where i put suresh-sensei…

when i go back to carnival, i give evil butterfly man movie and say, "i do you favor. now you tell me where charlie-san is."

"sorry, hiro, but you need to go clean up ride over there. someone eat too much elephant ear and get sick on."

"awww…come on!" i tell evil butterfly man, "you promise!"

"do you want charlie back or not?" he tell me. i sigh. then i grab mop and bucket and clean up mess. i thought cotton candy bad. this worse.



"okay, now you tell me where charlie-san is?" i ask him when i finish. but no. evil butterfly man no tell me. he just give me more work to do. now i have to go clean up after elephant.


warning to people with ability. no work for evil butterfly man! he give workers shit jobs. also, he no offer benefits package.

Ja ne!

November 8, 2009

stepping on too many bad butterfly



hello. how everybody doing? this week i go save charlie-san. she work in diner in texas. when i teleport-o to texas and look in diner, old lady come up and talk to me.

"cute-o butt" she tell me.

i look down and notice that i still in hospital gown.

then, old lady flirt with me.

"hey, you want to go on date-o with me?" she ask me.

ひどいよ! (that mean gross in japanese)

i try to be polite. i smile and say, "no thank you. i already have girlfriend."

"maybe you like two girlfriend," she say.

"no no no!" i say and run away.

that old lady very creepy.

then, i look for clothes. i can not save charlie-san in hospital gown. fortunately, many people dry clothes outside in texas. must save on power bill, ne? they do same thing in japan.

anyway, i go to one house, and try on clothes, but they too big. they say everything bigger in texas.

i think they make people bigger in texas too. so, i try 'nother house. owner see me and almost shoot me with bb gun. finally, i find house with clothes and no owner with bb gun. clothes fit good too. but i see bratty kid with toy gun.

"you steal my daddy no clothes!" he tell me.

"i sorry. i must take!" i say, "it matter of life and death. i must save woman i love."

"love?" bratty kid say, "love no exist. my mommy and daddy scream at one another all time. my mommy like to throw dish at my daddy. chase him around with rolling pin too. love is just fairy tale. now give me back my daddy no clothes!" he demand.

really? why must kid in united state be so bratty?

eventually, i convince boy to let me have clothes. i tell him bullshit about good guy versus bad guy. he no understand that i just say that so i can steal his daddy no clothes…so i can do job and he leave me alone. it work. it work very well. then i start to talk about brain man.

"you crazy, mister," he say. then he run away.

so, i stop time and put brain man on bus far away. before i stop time, i talk to myself. i tell myself that he must go back in time and save charlie-san. talking to self very weird. also very complicated.

"where your sword?" my past self ask me.

"that not important," i say.

then he talk to me about comic book . he talk to me long time about comic book. was i really that dumb three year ago? that what they call rhetorical question. please no answer.
then, i talk to ando-kun.

"where your sword?" he ask.

really. why do ando-kun and i always talk about sword in past? we obsessed with sword then. that sword really piece of junk that belong to this guy, who i no like very much any more.




then, i tell ando-kun to stay. i sound like i talking to dog. "sit. stay. good dog." maybe i need to learn to treat friend better, ne?
















finally, i talk to charlie-san and tell her we can go anywhere she want.

"i want to go to otsu, japan," she say, "because kensei-san born there."

i almost tell her i no want to go, that i meet kensei-san in past and he turn out to be asshole, but i no say. i want to make charlie-san happy.

then charlie-san start telling me many thing about otsu, japan. she also start to speak in 'nother language that greek to me. turn out it really greek. she learn two month ago.

"charlie, stop that," i say.

"i sorry, hiro-kun," she tell me, "it aneurysm. it make me do. i sorry, but i dying."

so…i have to take brain man out of bus and convince him to fix charlie-san. we have stand-off behind diner, only with supa-power and not gun. i win and he fix charlie-san. we about to leave for japan when butterfly man appear and steal charlie-san. he say he trap her in time.

"you no butter-fly man, you evil butterfly man," i say.

"you can have charlie back, but you must crush my butterfly first," he say.

he bad butterfly. maybe i crush him once i find charlie.

 
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